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EP #116 Understanding Common Behaviors That Break Connections

Connections happen every day, in any space and to anyone. In this episode, Dan Medilow and Sofie Kessner dives deeper into the aspect of relationship building online and offline, and how connections play a crucial part on these. What do you see as the most common behaviors that break those connections and how can you overcome them? How can we create real intimacy even if we have a purely online business? Join Dan and Sofie’s discussion on the impact of oxytocin and testosterone in relationship building and how they can focus more on being truly present instead of getting into creation and achievement mode.

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Understanding Common Behaviors That Break Connections

In the last couple of episodes, we’ve had a couple of themes. One of them has been creating a connection, showing up and communicating in a way that allows people to feel you. It allows them to also be felt. We want to be seen and we also enjoy seeing other people. That brings up the whole question like we addressed in a previous episode on what does it mean to be authentic and be yourself online? In this episode, we’re going to get into some other discussions about what is a connection? What do we see as the most common behaviors that break those connections and how can we overcome them? How can we create real intimacy even if we have a purely online business?

There are few different angles that we can take this from, but what we can do is start with some of the limitations and/or pieces that come up when it comes to connection. From there we can move into how to move through these. Dan, when you and I were talking about this episode, some of the things that came up were behaviors of people-pleasing. Feeling like we have to downplay the way that we talk about what it is that we do, not necessarily owning all of it, staying away from certain topics and limiting our self-expression. There are a few other pieces that we touched on, especially when it comes to content creation where it’s forced content versus inspired content. Depending on who you’re talking to, you’ll get mixed responses on all of it. What we want to drop in on is how all of this is impacting your ability to more deeply and more intimately connect with your audience online.

Let’s take a look at some of those behaviors. We were talking about people-pleasing. It’s ironic that there are a lot of times that people want a connection with people. They want to be liked. They want to be accepted. They want to be valued. They feel for one reason or another it’s because of one or a bunch of insecurities. People feel like, “If I’m just who I am, then it’s not enough. I’m not good enough. I don’t create enough connections. People don’t like me enough.” People-pleasing is born of that. “If I say no to people, if I don’t give in, if I don’t give them everything they want, if I let people be upset, if I let people be disappointed, then things are going to break. I’m not going to have the relationships that I want, the business that I want, then I’m not going to have the life that I want.”

People-pleasing comes from that, saying no when you want to say yes, having no boundaries between you and your audience or you and your clients. When we participate in these kinds of behaviors, there is something in us that tells us that our relationships will improve as a result of them. It’s the exact opposite. Also, the same thing goes whether it’s in person or whether it’s online. When we give in to people-pleasing behaviors, we stop being ourselves. When we people-please, we stop valuing ourselves. We stop accepting ourselves. We stop acting as ourselves. It breaks the whole idea of us being the magnetizing leader online. There are a number of reasons why people wouldn’t want to buy from you, but they buy from magnetizing leaders and that’s who we want to be.

Instead of falling into other people’s expectations or feeling like, “We’re at the beck and call. We’re at the mercy of other people’s opinions.” We need to change how we are and we need to act out of accordance, not in alignment with ourselves in order to get what we want. That sets it up as we’re not now people, we’re favor-producing machines. We’re not leaders, we’re coddlers. All the person needs to do is throw a little bit of a temper tantrum and we’ll give them everything they want. It breaks all hope of relationship, while there is people-pleasing involved.

How this shows up inside of your business and in your marketing is oftentimes we start to create content or produce content based on engagement. We’re constantly looking and seeking external validation from how many likes, comments, views, shares. We’re constantly letting that be the piece that’s directing us. We’re looking at, “So-and-so is creating? What are they writing? What are they posting about?” You’re using that as a way to gauge what we should be talking about. The conversations that we should be having and the conversations that we should be building.

Though this can be a strategic way to go about marketing and business, it brings us into the conversation of where are you operating from? Where do you think you need to show up versus how you actually want to show up? This is where for a more spiritual based audience, we get into the conversation of you leading yourself versus you being led by the industry, especially when it comes to creating real connections. Oftentimes what I’ll see a lot of inside of the industry and what I’ve also been a part of and contributing to in the past has been playing into the paradigm of how everyone else is doing it. What’s the standard way of creating a program? What’s the standard way of marketing? What’s the standard content? What’s the standard way of showing up?

We fit ourselves into these molds and we start to work with a content calendar, a marketing strategy, a program and a challenge. It’s all based on what we’ve seen other people do, thinking that that’s what we need to do to make it work and looking at other people’s success and thinking, “That’s the way.” It’s important when we’re starting to talk about this and in the role of entrepreneurship and being a leader in your industry and a leader in your business, is the strategy congruent with what’s in alignment with your highest excitement? What I mean when I say that is does it light you up and feel juicy and exciting and you’re inspired to take that action? Are you doing it from a place because you feel like you have to and it’s coming from a place of force and hustle versus from a place of aligned action?

[bctt tweet=”People buy from magnetizing leaders; that’s who we want to be.  ” via=”no”]

That gets into the idea as well of are you looking for something that works or are you looking for something that works for you? Because it works for other people, it does not mean that it will work for you. I’m one of those examples where I’ve tried for so long, I can’t tell you how many years. Maybe $100,000 in coaching, programs and all sorts of stuff, trying to learn what works for other people. None of it works for me. You can look at things and say like, “It’s wonderful.” Sure, but not for me. If it doesn’t work for you, then it just doesn’t work. That’s okay. The idea here is find your own bucket. If jumping into someone else’s bucket doesn’t work for you, then make her own shit.

This fits into the idea of connecting with other people. I’m a big fan of breaking things down. If things can get a little screwy when we’re behind a laptop and we don’t have people in front of us. It’s like growing up. We try to fit into other people’s stuff. We try to dress like other people. We look like other people. We talk like other people and be interested in the same shit because we want to fit in. We see, “If it makes that person popular, that person has friends or that person has something that I want, I’m going to try to do the exact same thing. I’m going to try to fit in with them.” What if it doesn’t work for you? What if that’s not going to be good for you?

What if that’s not in alignment with who you are? You’re going to try to fit into something that is fundamentally not you. You’re putting on a persona, a mask. If you’ve ever tried to have a conversation with someone who’s wearing a mask, it’s hard. You can’t see them. You can’t make that connection. You don’t know what’s going on. They could be anybody. It’s very hard to build that emotional connection. What we’re saying here is finding your jam. If everybody else is dancing to one music, but you don’t like that music, stop trying to make yourself like that music. Go and do something else. Find something that’ll turn you on, light you up, be fun and exciting for you because then your energy will flow. In a normal conversation, it’s a lot easier to have a conversation about something that you like and something that you’re excited about than something that you’re trying to force yourself into.

What I’d love for you guys to understand, and I’m going to speak specifically to the women here and then I’ll tie it back into men. Understanding that when we are operating from a place of force. We’re doing things that we think we should do because we’ve been told to do them, “This is what so-and-so said,” or “This is what we saw,” etc. It’s coming from a place of analyzed strategy versus heartfelt inspiration. What ends up happening is it becomes mechanical, less natural and less organic. For instance, batching content. This can work great for certain people and certain types of personalities. For people who tend to operate more of a feminine core energetically, this becomes very depleting.

What we’ll see here is they’re trying to force themselves into the strategy because this is what their mentor has done and this is what’s worked for their mentor. The more that they try to do it, the more exhausted they feel, the more frustrated they feel. They’re feeling like they’re banging their head against the wall and then it stops working, but they’re doing so much more work. They’re sitting here exhausting themselves in this process. This process is requiring much more effort because it’s not coming from the same place of feeling emotionally heightened in the experience. What I mean when I say that is when you’re doing something and you’re tired, exhausted, stressed and you’re doing it because you feel like you have to versus doing something from a place of feeling in love, in awe and inspiration, the energy behind those experiences is completely different. You’ll receive those on the other end completely differently.

I’ve tested this out plenty of times with content and it’s always the same. When I post from a place of inspiration, in awe, love, blessed and being in the experience, the audience always responds so much better than when I tried to create a calculated strategic post always. The reason behind that is because of the energy that you’re bringing into it. It’s because of the level of oxytocin that you’re operating from. As women specifically, you’ll get to understand that oxytocin is one of the most powerful things that you have as a woman. It’s this chemical inside of you that you emanate this experience of love. This experience is blissful. This is where we get into the conversation of more central work, not sexual.

Understanding the magnetism as a woman is not from this place of force, hustle and get shit done. It’s from this place of leaning back, being in your pleasure and building up this oxytocin. What ends up happening is when a woman is high in oxytocin, when men come around her, their testosterone increases. That makes them feel more in their power. When women come around a woman that’s high in oxytocin, it actually elevates their oxytocin as well. It becomes this magnet. People can’t help but explain how they love being around you because being around you elevates how they feel. I want you to understand that correlation here because of you being in this place of radiating oxytocin. You being in this place of radiating and radiating joy.

Other people come around you and they’re like, “I love the way that I feel,” because of the impact that you being in heightened oxytocin levels increases either their oxytocin as a woman or their testosterone as a man. It’s recognizing that that is what that magnetism is on an energetic and more scientific level. Magnetism is you operating from this place that it’s like, “I can feel the energy behind this when this person is operating from this place.” That makes me realign and recalibrate myself to a similar frequency. I’m much more attracted to this person specifically. This is where we get into the conversation inside of your marketing and your business.

MMM 116 | Behaviors That Break Connections
Behaviors That Break Connections: Macho is what happens when men are gets into toxic masculinity.

Instead of leaning forward like the masculine oftentimes does, and it’s from this place of hustle, force and do. In the more feminine base, for those of you that have a more feminine core, it’s the art of leaning back in business that creates your magnetism. It’s the art of you creating the time and space for you to get into a place of sensual pleasure. You’re able to have an experience yourself and every moment from a place of joy, bliss and honoring yourself and building this incredible relationship with yourself to where your oxytocin levels skyrocket. Because of that, everyone else around you wants to be around you even more.

A similar thing happens with men. It’s just a little different on how we take it. It is a little bit more challenging for men typically to create communities around us, we make less oxytocin. What are you going to do? You’re going to accept, get to know and get to love your feminine. Fuck that macho. That macho is a game killer. Macho is what happens when men are like overly and it gets into toxic masculinity. We need the feminine. The feminine is beautiful. When you get into this over masculine, like too much testosterone thing, then we turn into these savage machines where all we care about is achievements. The next thing, more money, bigger and better. We have heart attacks and died by 50. If you think that’s an exaggeration, look at the statistics. That’s why we have more men dying from random shit, young men in their 50s and 60s.

What we do is we balance ourselves out even more. We learn even more about our feminine sides. Instead of just getting into creation and achievement mode, we allow ourselves to focus even more on being truly present. Like Sophie is saying, even more sensual. That’s a different world for us guys for a lot of us out there. That is a completely foreign land when we’re talking about, “When you eat your food, actually eat it. Feel it, taste it, touch it, and smell it. When you’re listening to music, be there for a minute and listen. When you’re drinking, drink.” It’s different. Women drink for the experience. Men drink for drunk. We’re objective minded and that’s a very masculine thing. When we can allow ourselves to go even more into our feminines, we create even more of that oxytocin.

When we focus even more on creating these beautiful nurturing relationships with other people, then we create even more of that oxytocin as well. That can help us a lot in business building, helping people feel connected, heard, seen, cared for and creating that space. Where us as guys, it’s fun to be intimidating, aggressive and all these other things, but it doesn’t leave a lot of room for other people to come in, especially if they aren’t on that level. It doesn’t give people a lot of space or safety to come in and ask us hard questions or be vulnerable around us. Even let themselves be their true selves around us. It does us a big favor when we balance ourselves out as well. We also lean back and enjoy those incredible connections and bonds.

Those where we’re getting this conversation here and bringing it all together. The preface of this is building real connection. It’s understanding the role that oxytocin, pleasure and sensuality play in relationship building. Number one with yourself, and then number two with everyone else around you, especially in the online space. One thing to hit home with this is when a woman gives birth to a newborn, the level of oxytocin coursing through her body is insane. It’s this ability to instantly fall in love. It happens that way because number one, birth is painful. Number two, she needs to build a spawn with the baby in order to keep the baby alive. We’ve been designed to nurture relationship through that. It’s recognizing that one of the most powerful ways for us to build relationship and connection is through the energy and the way that we’re showing up inside of that.

We get to ask ourselves, “How am I showing up in this experience? How am I showing up in this content that I’m creating, in this video that I’m producing, in this story that I’m writing?” whatever the modality is specifically. Tuning in for yourself if you’re operating from a place of force, hustle, stress and trying to get shit done. Are you operating from a place of being in a place of power, pleasure, fully experiencing and fully expressing what’s coming through from a more loving part of you? As we deepen our relationship with ourselves, with pleasure, with how we show up in the world, everything around us shifts because we increase our capacity to receive on such a deeper level. We increase our capacity to experience. Thus, as we start to experience more pleasure, everyone else around us does. The relationships that we build becomes much deeper because people feel much safer. They feel much more heightened in their own oxytocin and their testosterone just from being around us. That’s the experience that you want to create from the online space.

The magic here for many of us as we are shifting paradigms from the previous one of hustle, go, push and do as much as you possibly can, we’re moving into a place of recognizing how the fem serves us. How it’s much more about honoring this part of herself? Letting that part lead and having the masculine be the part that serves the fem. What this looks like is we put our energetic state of being first. Meaning how am I feeling in this moment and what am I needing versus what do I need to do? This is, what am I needing to elevate my emotional state? When it comes down to you shifting your energy, shifting your emotional state of being, that’s when we can start to operate and do from a place that’s going to be much more effective and much more efficient.

This brings up a constant theme. The idea of being able to fully accept yourself. Allowing yourself to balance out these energies within you, to have boundaries and get away from people-pleasing, to be polarizing, to hate you online, your face and everything you say and having that would be okay. Being a woman and balancing out your masculine, and being a man and balancing out your femininity. These are all topics of real self-acceptance that you may have to do a lot of personal development to get through. You might have a resistance to one of these things that we had brought up. It’s like, “I can’t be feminine. I’m a man. What is that?” whatever it is that’s coming up in your mind as you’re learning these things.

[bctt tweet=”Instead of just getting into creation and achievement mode, allow yourself to focus even more on being truly present.” via=”no”]

Know that the more you accept yourself, a couple of things happen. One, you chill the fuck out. Most of the turmoil that we experience day-to-day that we think is coming from the outside world is because we don’t accept ourselves fully. Try that on. I can do an entire episode on that. I’m going to leave you with that one. Most stress and anxiety coming from the outside world is coming from the inside world, it’s being triggered by the outside world. The stuff that’s on the inside world that’s still there, that’s giving you trouble, pain or discomfort is because you haven’t fully accepted something else in you. When we come to this place of even greater acceptance, it doesn’t need to be 100% acceptance or nothing.

The more you get into a state of self-acceptance, the less stress and anxiety you feel. You step into a self-created sense of safety, which is then more resilient because it’s coming from inside. It doesn’t have to deal with the outside world, which makes other people then more comfortable around you. It gives them permission to do the same. The more you can accept yourself, the more energy you have to focus in on other things. Because when you have a part of you that you say is wrong, you cannot show it or you’re resistant to it, that’s trapped energy. It’s an energy that is either getting misdirected, it’s going out of you without you wanting to go wherever it’s going.

It’s staying stuck within you creating these pain loops inside of your body. When you come to even more self-acceptance, you have control of that energy. You have a choice of what to do with it because it’s no longer doing those weird things. You can pour that into your passion or creating an image for people, a vision. You can reserve that and hold space for even more people or listen to them. Give them even more of a voice so that you can hear them even more and then address their questions, their pains and their challenges. That’s marketing and creating this beautiful connection. It does all come down to your relationship with you.

There’s a quote my mentor shared with me. It goes something along the lines of, “Everything in life that I experience is a reflection of me, about me, to me.” If we can lean into this and lean into what this means or what the connotation is behind it. It’s understanding that however you’re experiencing your life is reflecting to you, your relationship with yourself and that you have about you. Everything that is happening in the business, in your relationship, with friends, with money, whatever it is. It all is a reflection of the relationship that you have going on with you and it’s telling you something about you. Oftentimes it’s us wanting to get into the action of doing. We want to go and do more. In this approach, it’s such a softer way of moving about it, yet it’s much more powerful.

Instead of trying to shift things from a place of constantly doing and moving, we’re able to lean back and experience how we’ve been experiencing ourselves, money, business and health. All of these components and start to lean into it. Is this the relationship that I want to continue to have? Is this the experience that I want to continue to have? If not, how do I get to create a more loving, more whole, more abundant experience for myself? One that feels much more pleasurable and exciting. The one that allows me to feel much expand versus coming from this place of feeling lack. A lot of times what we’ve been trained or what we’ve been conditioned to believe is that we live in a scary world that is scarce and we’re all operating from fear and lack. When we can become aware of this, we can start to shift the way that we start to experience ourselves and experience the world around us.

Especially when it comes to you for many of you, your relationship with money, with abundance, with business and your clients. Because many people, they’re operating from this place of fear, lack and scarcity. They feel like they need to constantly be doing more and more. Oftentimes it’s a reflection of where you in yourself are experiencing any lack. Any fear or any scarcity in your deservedness and your worthiness to receive all of that. This is going to take us into a whole different conversation, so we’ll save it for another episode. Recognizing your ability to receive. How comfortable are you with receiving? Because when we get into relationship building, abundance, business, and marketing, it’s a relationship. The relationship requires you to be open to receiving.

Many of us are uncomfortable when it comes to receiving. We’re awkward about it. It’s like, “Thanks. I love that about you.” “You shouldn’t have,” or whatever the statements are. It becomes this experience of, “Thank you.” Allowing ourselves to open ourselves up to the experience of receiving and recognizing how much more we can allow ourselves to lean back and receive versus constantly feeling we have to go and do. When we’re operating from a constant place of doing, force and hustle, the undertone of that is the belief that we’re not deserving already. We have to go and do in order to become deserving and worthy. When we can recognize the energetics behind that, then we can start to shift them. That’s where we’re getting into this whole conversation of what is the relationship that you have with yourself? How are you operating inside of your business and inside of your life? How do you start to lean back and move from a place of feeling like you constantly have to do and control because you’re coming from a place of lack and fear to allowing yourself to receive? Recognizing how you can recalibrate what it is that you are receiving.

There’s another aspect of this receiving as well and the idea of doing. I’ll give you an example. I live in LA. It’s a big city. It’s not like New York where they’re that many people on the street. You walk down the street, you see a lot of people walking the other way. Here it’s funny that a lot of people crave connection. They want to know how to build connections. They read books on it and they figure out what words to say, what images to show and all these other things, yet when they’re walking down the street, they’re afraid to make eye contact with each other. They won’t do it. It’s interesting because when you make eye contact with someone, it’s that warm, inviting, “I see you. I recognize you,” that energetic hello. That’s a connection. That’s a form of intimacy. It’s fundamental. It’s one of the basic building blocks of a relationship, yet people are terrified of it.

MMM 116 | Behaviors That Break Connections
Behaviors That Break Connections: Allow yourself to go back to the fundamentals of human relationship. You’ll see that when you have those pieces in place, you don’t have to do a lot.

They will do whatever they can to avoid it. When we have these things, we have to make up for them by doing tons. When we skip over the fundamentals, for example, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, polarizing and magnetizing. When we allow ourselves to fall into this idea that if we want something, we have to do a ton in order to get it. That’s what we’re going to have to do, but when we allow ourselves to fall back into the fundamentals of how do you create a conversation? How do you create a connection in person? You give them that warm, energetic hello, that, “I see you,” and then you allow yourself to be seen as well.

There’s that receiving. It’s the give and take. It’s, “I lead by showing some vulnerability within myself.” I give you a little piece coming from a powerful place.” Instead of being the victim, I share something of me in a powerful way so that you can as well.” It’s that giving and receiving. It’s that pure fundamental, but when we don’t allow ourselves, for example, to be vulnerable like that, we have to make up for it by doing a ton. If you’re falling into like, “What can I do?” Ask yourself whether you’re looking to get more done or you’re looking to do more. Do you want deeper connections or are you just learning how to make connections? It’s a big difference. Allow yourself to go back to the fundamentals of human relationship and you’ll see that when you have those pieces in place, you don’t have to do a lot.

As you guys are starting to see a lot of this conversation, when we’re talking about relationship building and connections, especially in business and the online space, all of it gets to be a reflection of the relationship that you have with yourself. How you are reflecting that in the online space, in your content and the way that you show up, in the way that you market. The more that you allow yourself to be in your full self-expression, which we talked about in previous episodes, the more that you allow yourself to lean back and to get into a place of receiving versus constantly doing. The doing becomes much easier. It almost in a way feels effortless in comparison to what you were doing previously.

What you were doing previously was coming from a place of force, a place from desperation, a place of feeling you had to and the energetics behind that. It doesn’t feel juicy to receive that. People reject it in a lot of ways and they won’t respond. They can feel the difference, especially if you’re somebody who’s working in the space that’s more mindset, embodiments, spiritual focused. People start to look at and feel into the energetic behind you showing up, not just the words that you’re saying. It’s important that if you are essentially in any place, but especially in any embodiment mindset, more spiritual world, that you tune into the energy behind how you’re showing up and who you are being when you are doing whatever it is that you’re doing in your business.

The thing here, especially in this episode, I feel like we’ve covered a lot of terms, phrases and ideas that we’ve discussed in previous episodes. If there was something in here that you’re like, “What is this thing? What is this word that they keep on saying? What is this phrase that they keep on saying?” we have covered everything in previous episodes. Please go and check them out. We’ll answer your questions straight up. The easiest way is to hit us up on Instagram. Slide into our DMs. We’d love to have a conversation with you. If you enjoyed this episode, take a screenshot, throw it up on your Instagram Story and tag us. Let us know that you’re digging this and we’ll make even more stuff like it for you. If you liked it, the ultimate favor for us is heading over to iTunes, leaving us those five stars and a review. It does help a lot.

All that being said, enjoy the rest of the episodes and we will see you on the next one.

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I'm Sophie Kessner

First generation Mexican American mama that’s gone from hood to strategic hustle. I’ve spent the last 10+ years inside the personal development space supporting 100’s of coaches in scaling 6 figure businesses online & supported 4 different companies in surpassing the 7 figure mark. Today, I focus on making scaling more sustainable by integrating the lenses of business, systems, automation and CEO Development through an Equity centered and Trauma informed lens.

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