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EP #16: The Right Language Gives You Flexible Behavior; Through The Eyes Of The Masters Part II

MMM 016 | Flexible Behavior

The way people see the world is reflected by their language or the way they convey things. We always get into these situations where a friend is saying one thing, but means the exact opposite of what we thought. The way we interact and communicate with other people makes bonds of relationships, and within that is the flexible behavior. Instead of making people feel wrong when we think they said something wrong, we can step back and appreciate the fact that they opened up to us and allowed us to respond to their words. When people share their words, you gain an amount of responsibility to the emotion they will feel. Take charge of your emotions and responsibility for your reactions.

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The Right Language Gives You Flexible Behavior; Through The Eyes Of The Masters Part II

We are in part two of powerful worldviews taken from the most successful people who have ever lived, taken in a way that you’ll be able to use these to start changing the results that you get with other people, to start changing the way that you see yourself, and changing the way that you feel about your life and where you’ve come from and where you’re going. If you haven’t heard the last episode, please do in order to fully appreciate this one.

The big thing that we took away from the last episode is having compassion for yourself and for others, especially when it comes to appreciating your model of the world and other people’s model of the world that may differ from yours.

Compassion is not just feeling good by the way. Compassion is one of those things that could change your life. If we had even more compassion for ourselves, never mind anybody else, if we could all be a little bit more compassionate to ourselves, who we are right now and who we were, we would all be completely different. It’s amazing how much a little bit of compassion can go such a long way. When we start expressing and feeling genuine compassion for each other, we start healing each other and start healing our communities, our families, our friendships, and our relationships on all different levels. This is not small stuff. This is legit life transformation. The more you can feel it, the more you put into it, the more you get from it.

As simple as that sounds, we’re like, “Come on, compassion is just a small thing.” It makes such a world of a difference when you’re no longer having to fight yourself and hide or run from your past or feel all of this guilt and shame and remorse for everything or everyone that’s come up into this point. You start to forgive and appreciate and understand and let go so you can grow, so you can move forward, so you can fully embody and step into the highest, greatest, most energetic version of yourself.

MMM 016 | Flexible Behavior
Flexible Behavior: If you want to become something different or something even better, start by making peace with who you are.

When we’re talking about transformation, it’s important to be able to make peace with who you were and who you are. That is such a strong process and a real-life transformation technique. If you want to become something different or something even better, start by making peace with who you are. That will give you such a launching pad to move into an even better life. That’s why we spend so much time on it. That’s why we spend so much time on compassion for others and compassion for ourselves because it will give you that massive shift forward into something different. With that in mind, let’s keep on going with these other worldviews that will give you even more tools and more skills.

The first one that we’re going to talk about is the phrase that’s thrown around often especially if you’re in the self-help world, which is, “The map is not the territory.” What that means is that if you had a map of your hometown or wherever you are, if you had a map of it and you expected the reality of your hometown or wherever you are now to be exactly like the map, you’re in for a big surprise that the map is just a representation. It is not the actual area. It’s not the actual land. One map may be different from another map. It doesn’t make one map right or wrong. It’s just a different representation. Some maps pay even more attention to biking trails or elevation or parks and other unimportant things. Other maps may pay attention to other things. It doesn’t make one right or wrong. It doesn’t make one more accurate than another. It’s just a different representation. In our own lives, one of the easiest ways that we represent the world is through our language. It is what we say and knowing that my words may mean different things to me than they do to you. That’s important to know.

To bring up some power words that have a lot of energy behind them depending on what side of the fence you’re from, words like “bitch,” there are some people who carry this and it offends them, and there are some people who hear this and they are empowered by it. There are some people who hear this and they just don’t like hearing it. It’s the same word yet each person has a very different interpretation of what the meaning behind that word is and what it represents for them. Some people may think that it represents being a powerful bad-ass person. Other people may think it means being a whiny cunt. Different people are going to have different representations of what the words mean, which is why we want to become aware of what the words are that we do use and the language patterns that we have, especially in communicating with other people, how that may be interpreted differently, and appreciating it rather than making it wrong.

It’s not even just words but entire phrases that can mean totally different things. Think about when you have good friends together. They can say some pretty rough shit to each other. I said some nasty things to my friends all in love and sometimes me looking at my buddy and saying, “I freaking hate you so much right now” is me saying, “I love you to death.” There you have a real clear thing. Calling your friends, “You’re such a bitch,” or saying, “You called me out. I love you but you’ve got me.” It could be different things and it’s obvious to see that. What I’m saying is my map is not the territory. It’s not what I mean. It’s not what I’m saying. When you’re interacting with other people, it’s important to open up and know that maybe they’re not saying what you think they’re saying. It’s possible they’re saying something entirely different, maybe exactly opposite, of what you think they’re saying. The moment you realize and remember that that could happen at any time, think about how many backgrounds people have. I live in LA. I don’t know where you’re listening from but there are people from every background who have had every childhood who have had every educational background, and so they see the world in totally different ways. It’s important to remember that maybe every single word I’m saying is taken initially a different way from what I mean. That helps because if a person doesn’t get it, then I know. Maybe they get offended by what I’m saying and like, “I didn’t say anything.” It happens all the time.

[Tweet “One of the easiest ways that we represent the world is through our language.”]

One of my good friends, we have this all the time. There was one time when I said, “As much as I love you and your dog, I’m not sure if I want your dog over in my place.”He said, “You know that word love, I only reserve it for people I’m in love with. It makes me feel uncomfortable that you used it there.” I’m thinking, “Where the hell did we just go?” She is upset like I was joking around. I started off with a compliment and how can I go wrong? I realized that her map, her version of the word love has very different associations, and I’m going to respect her with that. I said, “Cool. I’ll use different words next time. No big deal.” I understand where she’s coming from a little bit more and I can appreciate the way that she speaks, so I got to remember that.

It’s appreciating rather than making people wrong for interpreting it definitely. If somebody has a different map from you for whatever you’re saying or how you’re saying it, “Why would you think that?” More so, “Help me understand what specifically in that made you feel or think or believe that that’s what meant?” You can better understand and appreciate their model of the world. In doing that, you can then have some flexibility in starting to calibrate how you behave and how you say what you want to say.

That also works to deepen your interactions with people, your communications, your relationships, add in even more flexibility to your behavior, so that you can get what you want out of your connections with people and out of your interactions. We are fully responsible for what we say. On the other side, you’re fully responsible for how you feel even when other people say things. It’s easy to think as you’re listening to these worldviews that everybody is going to get it. We’re all suddenly going to be fully respectful of everybody’s maps and going to be aware of what we say and how other people may think it’s different. It’s not. People are going to say some awful shit to you and they’re not even going to realize it. That’s going to happen. People are going to say things and they’re going to realize it. They’re going to say it on purpose sometimes, and it’s important for you to remember that you are in charge of how you respond to people and to life. You are in charge of how you feel and you’re in charge of the results that you get from your interactions, from your own actions, from everything that’s going on in your own life. If someone says some stuff that you don’t agree with, that you maybe hate hearing, that maybe hurts you or offends you, then you can remember that, “The way that I feel is my choice. These are my emotions. These are my responses and I’m in charge.” Go back to that episode when we’re talking about accountability and responsibility, that’s episode twelve, and review that you are fully at cause. Nobody can say anything that will get to you unless you wanted to.

It’s pretty simple. It is understanding you’re taking back the sense of what’s the meaning that I’m giving that? What’s the map that I am applying to whatever somebody else is saying that is making me choose to feel this way? The more that you can become aware of your own maps that you may have created or you may have found somewhere along the way that are not serving you, the more you can change them. You are the only person who is responsible for changing them because it does not matter what anyone else says or how they see it. What matters is how you choose to interpret and believe it, and how you then respond to it which yields the results that you receive in your life, and understanding that it is knowing and fully comprehending that you are 100% responsible for how you feel, for how you would interpret the world around you. If you don’t like it, then change it.

MMM 016 | Flexible Behavior
Flexible Behavior: The more that you can become aware of your own maps that you may have created or found somewhere along the way that are not serving you, the more you can change them.

It’s important to also know that if you do want to change it, you’ve got everything you need already in order to do it. You might be thinking as you just heard that, “No, not cool. I don’t, because if I did, I would’ve changed already.” That sounds like it makes sense. At the same time, you’ve got to understand that there is no such thing as an un-resourceful person, just un-resourceful states. That’s why we spend so much time in these episodes helping you learn how to change your state from one to another. I’m sure you’ve had an experience where you’ve been trying to solve a problem and you’re racking your brain. You’re thinking, and it’s not coming. Maybe you’re thinking, “I’m never going to be able to solve this. I have to walk away. I got to go work out. I got to go eat something. I got to go take a nap.” Maybe you call friend, and then half an hour later, out of nowhere, the solution comes in your head and you’re thinking, “Why now? What happened now? I wasn’t even thinking about this thing.” You shifted your states and so you got access to different resources that you always had inside of you and then the solution came. If you don’t like what you’re doing or feeling and you’re thinking, “I don’t know how to do this.” It could be because you’re in a habitual state that doesn’t offer you the resources that you need in order to make that shift.

Diving in some previous content, is it possible that there may be some secondary gain in keeping your problems or not finding the resources that exist around you? It is taking all of these tools and fundamentals that we’ve been teaching you over the last sixteen episodes, to bring them full force and understand that these are the mechanics behind change. It does come down to me. It does not matter who you work with. You could have the greatest trainer, the greatest coach, the greatest therapist, the greatest whomever in the entire world, but if you are refusing to make the change, it does not matter what anyone else does for you. You have to be willing to make that change for yourself.

Everything happens in you. The world is your world. You’re the one interpreting it. You’re the one creating it. If that sounds weird to you, please go to the first couple of episodes where we talked all about that. If secondary gain was a different term for you, go and review episode thirteen where we talked all about it and what to do with it. All this stuff is happening inside of you. That’s where it’s going to come from. The change has to happen within you by you. If you’re waiting for someone else to come save you or change things, you are not giving yourself the power. In fact, you’re giving up the power that you need in order to shift things for yourself. When you are shifting things for yourself, make sure that your sight is on growth and on your wholeness to expand yourself and to grow in ways that are truly fulfilling for you in ways that satisfy your needs. When we talk about what does it mean to feel even more whole, go back to the episode when we were talking about the basic human needs. See if you can grow in ways that allow you to even deeper appreciate those needs, to fulfill them in even deeper ways, to provide for yourself in ways that are even more meaningful and bring you even more joy, gratitude and love. As long as you’re pushing towards that, you’re going to be just fine.

It is understanding that having that vision that’s greater than yourself, so you can start to step more and more into it. When you’re living from that place of fear or stress or those unresourceful states, you are only able to create from the capacity of the state that you’re living in. It is paramount to change and shift your emotional state so that you can access the resources that already exist that you’re not able to see because of the state that you’re living in. In doing that, it gives you the power to start to create more wholeness, create what we would call an alignment, more integration in who you truly are and who you have always been. It’s also understanding that there is only feedback. There is no failure. This is huge, especially for those high achievers and/or wanting to get to the next level or wanting to do big amazing things. It’s understanding and appreciating that if we can shift this idea that failure is wrong or bad or it’s the end of the game, it’s not. Failure is mandatory. It is a necessary part of success and you have to fail in order to succeed, but is it failure or is it feedback?

[Tweet “There is no failure. There is only feedback.”]

In a perfect world, when you succeed, your most likely response is to simply repeat. When life shifts things you want, do what you just did. In that perfect world, when you fail, you learn because there’s a need. I personally believe that life wants us all to be the best versions of ourselves. I believe that life happens for you, not to you. Life knows very well if things keep on going well, you’re going to get stuck doing the same thing over and over again. Instead of growing and becoming even better, you’re going to stay at the same love, so life is going to throw you some shit to deal with and it’s going to throw little failures, little mistakes, little blowups, little fall‑throughs, obstacles, walls, barriers, because then you have to learn what to do. You’re going to have to pick up different skills and you’re going to have to pick up different abilities and deepen your qualities, that compassion, that love, that gratitude, so that you can make sure that you continue to succeed. That way, you move to a different level. For this reason, almost every very successful person who has ever lived has said some variation of fail early, fail often. If you’re going to succeed in life, you want as much wisdom as you can as early as possible. The only way to do that is by messing a whole lot of stuff up and gathering your feedback. You got to take that judgment out of it. Know “I’m not a failure. This isn’t condemning mistake. I’m not screwed for life. It’s not like I can’t do this. It’s feedback. It’s just what I did didn’t work.” Learn from it and come back even stronger.

This is tying into one of our previous statements where people are not their behaviors. If it didn’t work, that doesn’t mean you’re broken or that you’re a failure or that you’re never going to succeed or that life is over. It means that that strategy, that behavior, was not the best one for the result that you’re trying to get. Disassociate yourself from your behaviors and recognize that just because this strategy did not work, it doesn’t mean anything negative about me. If anything, “This is great. I get to learn.” If you can adopt that way of thinking where, “I made a mistake. I’m going to learn something new. I fell down and I get to learn how to stand up. I learned a new way of not how to do something, so now I can try again,” it’s one of the most beautiful things that you can do for yourself, especially in trying to achieve anything of a high caliber, in sports and business and wealth. The only way that you’re going to learn is by making some mistakes and by falling flat on your face. It’s the same way that a baby learns to walk. It does not just get out of the womb one day and start walking and feels great. That baby stands up, then he takes one step and then he falls. He stands back up, shakes a little bit, and he falls. He keeps falling over and over again until he learns to walk. It’s the same process for you and me.

There might be times in your life in which you experience a lot of feedback. It may be challenging to keep this up. At those times, I think about it like high-altitude training because that happens to me. I don’t have graceful transition period. Mine suck, they all hurt. It’s like I can’t even get back on my feet. If you’ve ever been out on some pretty rough waves and you get knocked over by one wave, and when you stand up, you’re not even on your feet before the next wave hits you, and you try to get up and it hits, you try to get up and it hits you, and it feels like you’re getting murdered until you learn how to do it. I feel like my transition phases are all like that, and it used to bother me. I was like, “Why can’t I just have a break? Why can’t I just figure this out? Why does this have to be so hard?” Then all the self-judgments come. What I like to do is I like to view it as high-altitude training that I may hate it. It may hurt a lot, but when I get a grip of this, when I start getting good at this, and I come down to regular altitude, I’m a beast. It’s like I have superpowers because I spent so much time cutting my teeth on these big ass obstacles, learning, struggling, and adapting that when things get a little bit easier. I’ve got it handled like a pro and then watch out, because I’m going to run over everyone. I look at it that way and it helps. It does help keeping that in mind that things will get eventually easier as long as you keep learning it is feedback. As long as you’re taking it as feedback and adapting the whole way through, then there is going to be a day when you’re going to be thankful that you trained that hard.

MMM 016 | Flexible Behavior
Flexible Behavior: The only way that you’re going to learn is by making some mistakes and by falling flat on your face.

It’s the meaning that you give things. The meaning of the communication is the response that you get. It comes down to, “What’s the meaning that I’m attaching to this?” That’s going to have an effect on how you experience the results that you have.

When we talk about the response you get, this happens in a couple of different levels. It can happen from people. The obvious thing is telling someone, “Stand up,” and they stay sitting. In your mind you can think, “I’m saying stand up,” but if they’re not standing up, if the response you’re getting is sitting down, then that’s what you’re saying. You might be saying, “Continue to sit.” You might be saying, “Don’t pay attention to me. I’m not being serious.” You might be seeing so many other things other than stand up. When we talk about the meaning of the communication being the response we get, it’s not the meaning that we put on it that’s very important, but it’s also the meaning that other people put on it, knowing the map is not the territory. We can judge what’s going on with our communications by being observant.

In business, let’s say you try to launch a new product. I launched my online program a while back on Instagram and I didn’t get the greatest responses. I had to look at it and think, “What was the response I got?” I look at what I was telling people. That way, I can adjust and tweak and then say something different the next time. A lot of people fall into the “I said it once, they didn’t hear me” or “I didn’t get the right behavior out of it, so I’ll say it again and I’m still not getting it. I’m going to say it again,” and then they get frustrated and quit. That’s not it. You got to judge it and then accept. “I know this is not what I wanted to say but it’s what I said.” Say something different and you’ll get a different response.

For those of you that are business owners and high achievers out there, oftentimes what we think is the best way of doing things and what we interpret as being the right answer doesn’t tend to be what the data shows. It is about looking at that data, observing, and paying attention so you can start to see “Interesting,” and not taking it personally. This is the biggest mistake that a lot of people make. They say, “They didn’t hear me.” They come up with all these stories about themselves or about other people when it just wasn’t the right response. It is making the tweaks, making those small adjustments, so that you can figure out, “What does get a better response?” and starting to test. Testing out different words, different language patterns, different ways of saying it, with your tone, with the way that you speak, how you stand. In doing that, you’ll get a different response.

That leads us into the last worldview, the last empowering way of being that will give you different results that will help you change your results, and that’s the Law of Requisite Variety. The original Law of Requisite Variety simply states that in any interaction, the entity or the system with the greatest flexibility will win. I’ve added a corollary which is in any interaction, the entity with the greatest will to get results will win.

[Tweet “The meaning of the communication is the response that you get.”]

I love this example of a mom coming in to me and talking about her son. I don’t know if you’ve ever gone to Target or Walmart and seen a mom struggling with a kid who wants a candy bar. My client comes and says, “I don’t understand. Every single time I go into a Walmart, my kid throws a fit every time, “I want the candy bar. I want this candy.”They put them in the aisles. You can’t check out or you can’t buy things without him seeing this.” She says, “I’m trying to keep my kid healthy and I don’t want them to have this crap, but every time it’s the same fight. My son wants a candy bar, I say no, son throws a tantrum, and then I have to give it to him. How do I make this stop?” I explained, “The reason is happening is because when you’re there, your son, he’s only four, he doesn’t have any rules. He can do whatever he wants and he’s going to do whatever it takes in order to get that candy bar. His will to get candy bar is stronger than your will to not give it to him and his flexibility to do whatever it takes in order to get it is stronger. It’s more flexible than your flexibility to do whatever it takes to not give it to him. You’ve got rules. You’re an adult. You’ve got “What will people think?” He doesn’t have “What will people think.”He has, “Get the candy bar.” That’s it. That’s all that’s going on in his mind.

According to the Law of Requisite Variety, he’s going to beat you every time. She says, “What do I do?” I told her, “You’ve been on this planet for longer. Show him what a real tantrum is. You got to do this right in the beginning. The instant he starts, you show him a real tantrum. I want you to lose your freaking mind. I want you to kick your shoes off. I want you to get kicked out. They’ll let you back in. It’s okay.” She looks at me and she goes, “Really?” I’m like, “Absolutely. I guarantee this will make those tantrums stop.” She comes in two weeks later with a big grin on her face. She goes “You wouldn’t believe what happened. We went in there, he grabbed the Snickers bar, and I said, “No, you can’t have that,” and he was about to start on his tantrum. I just hit the floor. I was screaming and kicking, and I lost both shoes and security came over. Right before they got to me, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, put my shoes back on, and I looked at my son. I asked him, “Do you still want this candy bar?”He looked at me and said “No, can we just please get our stuff and get out of here?” The tantrums stopped. She finally showed him she had more will and flexibility.

It just goes to show how having the flexibility to do whatever it takes in whatever aspect when you want some or when you’re working with somebody. Having flexibility in the way that you speak to them and in doing that, you’ll be able to get across what it is you’re trying to get across. Not to limit yourself, to give yourself permission to say or do what you need to do to get your point across and get the result that you want to get.

Remember also that your behavior must be good for you, good for the people around you, and good for the world at large. We’re not saying that it’s okay to use physical violence to get what you want. “I’m being more flexible. I’m using my will.” You are, and you’ll probably win if you do that but that’s not where we’re going with this. Use your creativity. Use all the tools that we’ve given you and are going to give you to come up with wholesome healthy ways to apply your flexibility and to assert your will. Have you ever tried to be mad at someone who just wants to hug you? Does that ever happen? It’s so frustrating because you just try to be mad, and they’re like “No, come here,” wrapping their arms around you, and you’re like, “No, get off me. Let me be mad at you.” You’re sitting there laughing and you can’t help it. They’re just sitting there grinning and hugging you and you just have to give in, “Why won’t you ever let me be mad at you?” Your friend will just look at you and grin. That’s what I’m talking about by healthy wholesome flexibility and will, like “No, we love each other here. I don’t care. You can yell at me but I’m coming in for that hug. This is happening.” You’ll be able to change the situation and get what you want.

MMM 016 | Flexible Behavior
Flexible Behavior: Your behavior must be good for you, good for the people around you and good for the world at large.

This one’s all about flexibility. The theme for is developing even more flexibility in the way that you listen to people, in the way that you speak, in the way that you act, and in the way that you hold yourself and flexibility in your state so you can come up with even better solutions and different ways around the problems that you’re working on. Your task is to review these. We’re also going to put a PDF into the show notes here so that you have a way to carry these notes around with you and practice your flexibility to get different or even better results.

Have a fantastic flexible time starting to integrate and use these new tools. Send us what’s going on with you. Share with us some of your experiences as you start to integrate and use a lot of these tools that we’ve been sharing. We love to read those. On the next episode, we will be talking about the science of change.

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I'm Sophie Kessner

First generation Mexican American mama that’s gone from hood to strategic hustle. I’ve spent the last 10+ years inside the personal development space supporting 100’s of coaches in scaling 6 figure businesses online & supported 4 different companies in surpassing the 7 figure mark. Today, I focus on making scaling more sustainable by integrating the lenses of business, systems, automation and CEO Development through an Equity centered and Trauma informed lens.

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