The one thing that women don’t like to admit is that they got wounded or got burned from their last relationship. Dave Elliot has been working with women who have this kind of thinking when it comes to men and how to have a legendary love for life. The important thing about his healing work is that it is a process of helping women become whole again. In that process, they see themselves as a common denominator in the formula. So instead of asking “What is wrong with me?” they begin to ask, “Where is the gift in this?”
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How to Have a Legendary Love For Life With Dave Elliot
I have a special guest for you. His name is Dave Elliott and he has been huge in working with me in my life and in bringing some magic to the table. I’m so excited to share with you and have him share with you some of the amazing insights that he has learned over the years. Dave, welcome to the show.
Thank you so much, Sophie. Glad to be here. Thanks very much for the invitation.
For a lot of our audience, they probably don’t know much about you or what you do. We both know how magical and powerful that is. Would you mind sharing a little bit about your background and how you’ve come about to get where you are?
Specifically I have been coaching for close to a decade since I left Corporate America behind and decided that I had this gift that I wanted to share. I mostly work in the area of relationships. For me personally, it was the area that I most needed to learn. I had come out of a divorce in 1999 and then gradually realized from the difficult situation that there was stuff about relationships that I needed to learn in order to make sure that didn’t happen again. I spent a bunch of time studying with the best of the best so that I could make sure it didn’t happen and then I started to get pretty good. I was able to get a result for me, get a result for a lot of clients. The best part is I get to pay it forward and talk with amazing people all over the world every day and help them get the results that they want. Specifically what I do is I work with a lot of women, more women than men, and some couples. The main thing I do most of the day is I help them heal their wounds from the past, help them understand and appreciate men so that they can pull the best from them rather than suffering through the worst, so essentially that’s what I do and I love it.
For a lot of our audience, there are a few things that are popping out. Number one, it’s healing those rooms. This is a sensitive topic for a lot of people, especially the high achievers out there. No one likes to admit that we have those. It’s more about buckling down and going. What has been your experience, especially with working with a lot of women who tend to come to you with whatever their problem is, whether they’re looking for a relationship or they’re struggling in their relationship? What shows up?
A couple of things. One, you can’t look at the area of wounds and high achievers and not draw the direct correlation between them. A lot of times the people that are the most sensitive or feel like they are the most approved will be the ones who use it as fuel. They turn it into fuel and they become quite successful because they need to be driven in order to overcompensate in a lot of ways in order to be good enough so you cannot get one without the other. They frequently travel together. The other thing is because I work with more women than men, there’s another aspect of the masculine and feminine energy dynamic. Feminine navigates more from emotion rather than logic, analysis, solving problems and fixing things, and it is way more painful for the feminine because of those limiting beliefs and those fears and those areas that she needs to somehow compensate and overcome.
That’s an important area where once you do that healing work and you get to that place where you are no longer starting from a deficit, it makes a huge difference. The difference is when you heal those wounds rather than struggling to achieve and clawing your way to success, you get put into a place where literally success is pulled to you because you’re coming from a place where the right people are drawn to you at the right time for the right reason because you’ve done your work and you’re in a great place. That’s the magic spot where you do work and you get rid of all that effort when you’re fighting against yourself and you find you’re just pulled to success, which is cool.
We’ve talked previously in previous episodes about this concept of becoming magnetic, where you literally are whole and complete, that you just attract so many more opportunities to you. It sounds like that’s something that you do when you’re doing your work. It is that process of helping them become whole in a sense.
It’s funny you mentioned magnetic. One of the things that I created was something called the Man M.A.G.N.E.T.I.C.S Formula. MAGNETICS is an acronym. I use it to unpack the nine things that men are looking for that makes the difference between a woman who is a keeper and one he keeps away from. That’s one of the sites that I have out there where I teach these concepts. It just works in a bunch of different areas, but when you do the work, you literally become magnetic. The right people, the right place at the right time in the right way come for the right reason. That’s why it’s so important for you to do the work and just be proactive rather than reactive and let things come to you.
That’s a huge open loop for the audience. Did you want to give them some information on how they can find those nine tips or those nine things that men are looking for.
If someone’s interested in that, there’s a whole site on it called ManMagnetics.com. They can go there and there’re four free videos. I teach about communication strategies, how to communicate elegantly, effectively and efficiently with the masculine. Then I talk about understanding these differences in the energy and a bunch of great free content. There’re probably a couple of hours of free stuffs on there and you can make a real profound difference. It’s about getting to a place where you would start to understand the real amazing benefits of understanding what masculine energy brings for you and it’s powerful.
I love that you’re bringing up this concept of masculine and feminine, especially me being a woman. For the women that are out there, having to wear this masculine mask or living in it to achieve at a certain level, what are some words of wisdom or some of these patterns that you’ve seen with a lot of the women that you’ve worked with who are higher achievers?
[Tweet “A lot of times it’s that initial wounding that causes the overcompensation that will drive success. “]
You mentioned the mask. If it was just one mask, that would be easier, but the problem is we put a mask over a mask over a mask, and we forget who we are in the intervening years. A lot of times it is a way to mitigate and improve on another aspect that we think is missing and then what it does is a mask just gets in the way of being authentically who you are than just showing up in your innate power and brilliance and who you are authentically and powerfully. The masks can get in the way again, but the bottom line is it all comes to serve at some point. A lot of times it’s that initial wounding that causes the overcompensation that will drive success. Then there’s that whole idea of what got you to this level won’t get you to the next level. At some point you’ll get to a level where life gets a lot better if you could just find a way to strip off some of those masks as well and get down to who you are. That’s where you can drive and get to that sweet spot where you’re achieving and it almost becomes effortless because you’re drawn to it and people are drawn to you not and having to overcompensate constantly.
Having done some work with you personally, understanding those wounds was huge because you go to all these seminars and these events and these workshops and you think you’re good and then something shows up and you’re like “What the fuck?” For the listeners out there, especially in your personal relationships where you’re not understanding why this person is wanting to either step away from you or step back or they clear or you’re self-sabotaging relationships or what’s happening in that, and it was profound to understand that “I’m doing this. It’s not him or every other guy before him or every other relationship. It’s me.”
Furthermore, it’s not them that’s doing it and they’re also doing you a favor. The analogy that I use with my clients is like if you brush up against the desk, the assumption is it’s smooth, but if you get snagged, there’s a splinter. “I need to bring some attention to that,” or ladies, when you get a nail and you run it across a silk blouse and all of a sudden you get a pull. It just says, “That needs some attention.” It’s the same way especially in the area of relationship. If you live by yourself and you’re single and you’re not literally having someone else rub up against you in your space and showing you these rough spots that have yet to be healed, then they can just live there quietly under the surface. No one knows until someone comes along and triggers them and you’re like, “Take a look at that. I didn’t even know that was there. I thought we had handled this.” It’s powerful and profound when you can take a look at it and say, “What’s that bringing up?” That’s a lot more resourceful way to handle that realization than “What is wrong with me? Why do I always do this?” That’s the tendency most people have, they start to blame themselves. Tony Robbins, one of my mentors, says, “Most people’s problem is they think they shouldn’t have problems.” The truth of the matter is these are signposts on the road and they lead you along so that you can do your own work and grow, learn, and achieve and be the best version of the best you. Without those signposts that we get to check in on, you can’t do that, so gratitude for all of it. Good for you for jumping in and doing that work as soon as you recognized them.
It took awhile to be honest, and a few relationships to realize that. That’s the biggest thing especially for a lot of our audience that at some point you recognize that there’s a pattern. It doesn’t matter how many men or women you date. You’re the common denominator.
You would think that. There’re a lot of people that can continue doing it and that’s the thing because they don’t see it, they’re in it. That’s powerful where somebody can step back and the best question you can ask is “What is my role in this?” Not from a place of blaming, but from a place of “How do I show up as the best version of me? How do I figure out what this is showing me? What’s the gift here?” These are powerful questions. “What is the gift here?” is so much better than “What the F is wrong with me?” It’s such a better question because your mind is going to answer whatever question you put to it. “What do I need to notice?” is a higher quality question than “Why do I always do that? What’s wrong with me?” because your mind will answer that question too.
I’m sure a lot of people are curious on asking what’s happening in these relationships if my partner is pulling away or I always seem to find the wrong guy who always wants to leave or who always wants to hurt me. I know that you and I have had some conversation about this and your wisdom is so profound. I’d love to have you give a little insight to the audience on what some of the reasons may be behind how these different relationships show up.
In that particular instance where you just mentioned, you don’t see it in real time; oftentimes it’s got to happen a bit later because it becomes clear. When you first meet someone, you don’t even meet them. You meet their personal representative. They’re more polished and put together and they’re on their best behavior, first date kind of thing. Once their guards down and relaxed, you get to see who they are and where they are. One of the things that I see over and over again for people who detect the pattern of unavailable partners, men or women, if someone says, “I keep meeting these unavailable men or women,” I would say, “Where are you unavailable?” They are like, “It’s not me, it’s them,” “But where are you unavailable?” When you start to run it down they go, “I do pull in and protect and I do have these masks and I do keep people at arm’s length.” Unavailable in all those areas where you see it and people respond to your energy. It’s perfect but people don’t see it. They see it in the rear view mirror, not in the windshield coming up unless they know what to look for it.
That’s powerful and profound figuring out where you are unavailable and you’re getting this lesson for a reason. It’s not to punish you. It’s not because you’re a bad, worthless person and you bring no benefit. That’s not it. It’s literally the hang nail and silk blouse. It’s like, “What do you need to see? What do you need to heal? What do you need to be?” It’s just you, uniquely you, but healed and feeling good about yourself. I say it all the time when people don’t know their own value and they start to notice that other people may pull back or pull away or something and there’s all kinds of dynamics that lead to that, but first step is asking a better question like “What do I need to see here? What’s happening for me?”
These wounds that we’ve been talking about, where do they tend to come from most often?
[Tweet “We will also attract people into our lives to represent these lessons from a different perspective. “]
That’s a million dollar question. Most of the time, a lot of these wounds happened in the first seven years of life. Your expectations were created when you were very small and you rely on other people for your care. You’re pretty mature ideas about your model of the world, if you will, are formed in your first seven years. It’s a beautiful world where people love and support you and cheerlead you and think you are the best. Usually you figure that out before you’re seven. If it’s a crappy world where nobody cares about you or what you want isn’t important or your sister is better than you, whatever it is. Whatever your story is like, that stuff gets grooved into the subconscious at an early age. The cool part is, I say cool because I understand it, we will also attract people into our lives to re‑present these lessons from a different perspective so they will retrigger all the same wounds. The sole purpose that they ever were attracted in is that they have some soul work and show you those wounds and retrigger them from a different perspective, so you can heal them and show up whole and get a better result. Yet if you don’t see it, if you’re totally unaware of the process and you’re just in it.
I’ve seen people in later years and they have a string of failed relationships and they never put it together like, this and this and this. They look totally different people and different idiosyncrasies, but the one commonality is like “Every single time, I was abandoned or I was rejected,” or ending totally differently. I have clients who are young women who have rejection and abandonment issues and they showed up multiple ways. She had one where her partner died, young man died, one who moved to Europe, all of different areas where it was essentially the same. There was one who got transferred and went to another place, got another job and ended the relationship. It just kept happening. If you looked at that on the face and said “These are all three distinct different partners. They had nothing in common.” It’s like, they did have something in common. Every single one of them for whatever reason unwinds that whole “What do I bring to the table? What what’s wrong with me?” and all that stuff. It’s important when you look and you put the pieces together and you see the cruise and you’re like, “That’s it.”
I remember from the work that you and I had done previously. One of the big things that hit home for me was that huge abandonment and rejection. God bless my parents, they were always doing the best they can with what they had, but from an early age, there was a lot of that fear there because of some of the experiences that I had when I was younger. In my relationships, unconsciously because we don’t think about this stuff, I would become in a way fearful of people leaving. The analogy, it was you or another one of my mentors or friends, used was I was so afraid of losing them that I would hold on even tighter. In doing that, it was suffocating to the other person and then they want to start to move away, which made me want to hold on. It was so interesting learning some of this about what’s going on within us at an unconscious level, we start to think of all these ways that we can try to manage that, but we don’t realize where it’s coming from. We start to do these things that are counterintuitive. It’s so interesting to, at least from my own perspective, understand what was going on there and it had nothing to do with him in that sense or in that moment. The beauty of it was me recognizing these are my own insecurities, these are my own values and my own self worth, things that are coming up for me and how I feel about me and how I’m showing up in this relationship. That was huge.
I would tell you what is probably the number one self-sabotaging aspect of feminine and masculine. If you were at the shopping mall and somebody ran up to you and grabbed your wrist, before you even thought of it, you would pull your wrist away because no one wants to be grabbed, especially when you don’t expect it and you don’t know who it is. Intuitively you already know that in another area of your life. It’s the same thing in a relationship, especially feminine to masculine. There’s a strong part of the masculine DNA that’s all about freedom. It’s all about independence and this need to be free. That unconscious clutching that you’re doing, “Don’t go away,” or like what women do on a first date all the time, “I like you. Do you like me? I’m not sure if you like me. Do you like me? You can ask me out again. Is he going to ask me? It’s Tuesday’s, he said he is going to call. He hasn’t called yet.” They go into this need to define and to not be able to sit in a little bit of uncertainty for a little bit of time until it gets to the point where it’s like, “This is going to be good. She’s amazing. I wanted to see her often.” It becomes more obvious or more discussed or whatever.
That need to define, that need for certainty, it’s so understandable because the number one need for the feminine is to feel safe. If the feminine doesn’t feel safe, nothing happens. All bets are off. In order for her to feel safe, she needs to define and figure out what it is. In order for him to feel free, which is his highest need, one of them, he needs to be free. He needs to sit and not have that defined an hour after he met you for the first time. He can sit in a little ambiguity there and he is like, “She’s incredible. I’d like to see her again.” At some point he will trade is freedom for something better, but he’s got to figure out if you’re something better first before he is willing to make that trade. A lot of ladies get uncomfortable with that sitting in the unknown because again, it just pokes at those little insecurities and that need for safety. It’s totally understandable and it happens again and again and again, probably the number one sabotage.
I love that you bring this up because I know for a lot of the female audience, and even for the men out there, they’re starting to understand women in a different way. It was profound for me to realize that this has nothing to do with him; it has everything to do with me. The minute that I started to do the work on myself and work on my own insecurities, which is where I felt less safe, it was becoming so whole in a sense to where I feel amazing in who I am, I love who I am. This is just great. It was interesting because I didn’t care if he was gone or if he left or if he did these things whereas before it would drive me crazy because I was so insecure about it.
When he comes back, you’re more beautiful and he can’t wait to be with you because you’re in that place of feeling good.
I was like, “This is magic. He is so attracted to me. What’s going on? I need to go get some work done.”
It’s like a boomerang. You put it out and it comes right back to you. What you believe about yourself comes right back. Interestingly enough, it’s like “If I could just fix you, I will be fine. I don’t want to fix me.” That’s the tendency. Most people would think that someone else is misbehaving because their behavior didn’t match our expectations. Rather than change the expectation in the behavior, they’d rather try to change the other person. I seldom see that work out well for either party. The reality in relationship is people want to be seen, heard, and appreciated for who they are as they are without having to change. Too often people are like, “There’s my next project. I’m going to fix him up.” No, that’s terrible energy. Nobody wants to be your project. That goes on both sides. No one wants to be prospected or nitpicked at.
The biggest thing to really take away from all of this is understanding that if the relationships that you have in your life are almost like holding up a mirror, so you can start to see the pieces in you that need some love or need some attention. It’s not in going out and fixing and trying to find other people or blaming other people or anything outside of you. It’s doing the internal work to start to heal yourself and feel magnificent and incredible whether you’re a man or woman, to where you’re confident and that starts to reflect in every other area of your life.
Every single time, abundance is always going to be better than scarcity. My client started to lose their objectivity and they start struggling and getting uncomfortable as soon as they’re like, “I only have one way to make this work and that is with this person in this way and he has to call me this many times a day, and when he says he is going to call.” We’re defining that down where we’re cutting it pretty fine here with only one way to work when it is a planet of billions of potential partners. Some who may be way better than this person who you think is great, but it’s just being able to sit in a little bit of ambiguity and falling in love with people for who they are and appreciate and looking for what’s great. The other challenge that I see all the time is, especially when one has been wounded in the past and it’s unresolved, they’re busy looking like “First sight of him being a jerk, I’m out.” As soon as you have a belief, you become a detective and you go looking to collect evidence and you say, “He didn’t call me. He said he’s going to call me, didn’t call me that. That goes to the evidence bag.”
Pretty soon you’ve got all kinds of evidence to support the belief. If you didn’t have that belief, you wouldn’t be finding that evidence. You wouldn’t be stringing it together. As you believe, so you receive. Somebody turned that around me recently and asked me a question. I said something about a community where I was working and they said, “Who would you be if you didn’t have that belief?” They’re right because as soon as I have that belief, I go searching for validation of that belief. I’ve become an evidence collector too rather than I could be sitting in appreciation and I could be feeling good. As soon as I go out looking for evidence, I got to go and feel like crap too because I was successful in finding what I don’t like, don’t want, and don’t want to experience, but I went looking for it like an idiot. If we don’t like it, stop looking for it.
Thank you again so much for taking the time to hop on and give some insights and the wisdom to our audience. They’re sitting probably thinking about “I’ve been pointing all the fingers and I need to be looking at me.”
That’s the best place that we can fix it. It’s ultimately for our highest and best to just go in and do that work and feel good every day for the wrong reasons and not put yourself in this situation where you’re at the mercy of someone else’s good moods or not whether you’re going to feel good or have a good day. That doesn’t bode well for people who don’t want to just go out and joyfully create and be, do, and have and create the life that people that are listening and paying attention to what we do, what they want. You can’t get there from that place.
This is such a great point, and to add in to that, it’s understanding that when you’re able to live in a place of abundance, a place of being whole and loving who you are, not depending on somebody else showing up in a bad mood or being angry, regardless of what’s happening outside of you, you still show up unaffected in your magnificence. Because of that, you can start to create so many more opportunities, whether it’s in your relationship, your business, your life, your finances, because you’re no longer living at the effect of what’s happening outside of you, but you’re causing an effect because of who you’re choosing to be inside.
The other beautiful part of that too is rather than getting hijacked by someone’s bad day, if we can gracefully hold the space for someone, that’s the most beautiful gift sometimes. We all have different kinds of emotions, sometimes it’s anger, sometimes it’s frustration, sometimes it’s just we don’t want to talk about it, and then just giving them space. Especially men who go to the cave, they solve the problem, then they come out, and they forget about it. It’s fine. They just need that. If we can gracefully hold that space where we can let someone feel whatever they need to feel, not making it wrong, not judging it as wrong, judging him as wrong for having it. It lets them feel it, process it, and let it go a lot faster. People genuinely appreciate it rather than being told “You’re always in a bad mood.” No one needs that. No one needs to be lectured.
Thank you again so much for hopping on the show. For our audience, I know they love the content that you’re bringing on board here, if they wanted to find out more about you or dive deep into what you have to teach and some of your philosophy, where can they go to find you? How can they follow you or find out more about you?
I already mentioned the Man Magnetics site where they get all those free videos about masculine and feminine energy, but then also my regular website is LegendaryLoveForLife.com. It’s just got a bunch of mostly relationship stuff. I have great things there. I have one other site too for my book. It’s called The Catch Your Match Formula for people who are writing dating profiles and wondering why they’re not working. I wrote a book about it because before I got into coaching, I was an award‑winning copywriter in an agency. I help people write effective dating profiles and get results. Even if you don’t use it on a dating profile, it is still good information to have when you’re single and out there dating so that you can put your best foot forward and constantly present yourself in the best light. Where you can communicate with people in a way that they can understand, “That’s who you are.” There are some great stuff in that book as well, so just a couple of ways people can find me.
Thank you and thank you, Dave, so much for hopping on with us. We do appreciate you taking the time out. I know how busy you are. For the audience, if you liked this and if you enjoyed this, go ahead and share it if you know somebody that needs to know this message. Have an amazing day. Thank you.
- Dave Elliott
- Man M.A.G.N.E.T.I.C.S Formula
- Man Magnetics
- The Catch Your Match Formula
About Dave Elliot
Dave is a relationship expert & love coach empowering women to create the most loving & impactful relationships through healing themselves first. Tune in to hear how Dave empowers women to attract & create legendary relationships in their lives.
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