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EP #32: Why Do We Get Into Relationships Anyway?

MMM 032 | Unconscious Attraction

Have you ever wondered why you’re attracted to certain people, but not others? Or why they’re attracted to you? Why do we get into relationships anyway, and how do we REALLY choose who to get involved with? When you understand how your unconscious mind makes those decisions for you, you’ll be able to immediately improve the quality of your relationships (or just stop dating the same old jerks!)

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Why Do We Get Into Relationships Anyway?

I truly do hope you enjoyed the last episode talking about the divine masculine and divine feminine energies because we’re going to be diving into relationships and understanding how and why we get into the relationships that we get into and what we can do to start to create the relationships that we want to experience. As we dive in to this episode, again looking at it as the observer without the judgment, observing where you have been, where you currently are, and where it is you want to go in your relationships, looking and identifying that masculine and feminine energy inside of yourself.

For the purposes of this conversation, I’m going to speak about a man and a woman. In that, please know that when I do speak of a man and a woman, I’m speaking of a masculine man and feminine woman. Anything else, as you heard in the last episode, there could be feminine men, there could be masculine women, and it’s also on a spectrum, so it’s not one or the other. It’s all through. For the ease of the conversation, when we’re going to talk about men and women, just know that that’s what we mean.

The very first thing to understand is why do we even get in relationships in the first place? Yes, they’re fun, they feel great, but if we look for a spiritual reason to get into a relationship, it’s not for appreciation. It’s more for growth that people are put onto your path, whether it is a social, intimate, business relationship or any other kind, they’re put into your life so that you can learn something, so that you can grow in a particular way. That also means that once you are done learning from someone, once they have completely fulfilled their purpose, they will leave one way or another. We do have an entire episode coming up on the ends of relationships, but when we are looking at the beginning, it’s so that you can grow.

Knowing that, let’s talk a little bit about what attracts you into certain relationships with certain people. As you’re thinking about different relationships that you’ve been involved in, recognizing and remembering what caught your eye or your heart? When you first entered that relationship, what was it that made you light up? We’re going to be looking at this from a few different perspectives when we talk about attraction especially. The way that I like to break this down is there’s physical attraction, there’s emotional attraction, there is mental attraction, and then there’s that spiritual attraction. For simplicity’s sake, when we’re talking about physical attraction, for most people, are you sexually and physically attracted to this person? Do you feel it in a way where there’s something about them that gets you excited in that sense?

As we move more into the emotional attraction, it is more of, “I love the feelings that this person allows me to express and/or that I’m able to see and feel them express in the way that they express themselves.” From the topics that we’ve talked about previously around electromagnetic fields, vibrational frequencies, being attracted to the emotional frequency that this person is putting out. Then you get to the point of more mental attractions, the way that this person thinks, their beliefs, their values, how they operate in the world, and the way that they communicate and how that relates to you. Then we get into the world of the spiritual and this is much more in a way a very divine attraction.

MMM 032 | Unconscious Attraction

I define spiritual attraction as two people who agree on their version of the universe, who agree on the meanings that they attribute to what’s going on that is bigger than both of them. For me, I am a full on weirdo. For me, feeling energy, we’re always talking about the electromagnetic signature. I can feel it in my body. It’s one of my senses. I can feel you from across the room. For me, when I talk about spiritual attraction, it’s important for me to be able to express myself, the experiences that I have within life, how I see things, miracles, blessings and all of that with someone who agrees. Not someone who’s going to say, “Universe, everything happens for no apparent reason. There are no such things as miracles and blessings. It’s all a coincidence. You’re a freak.” That would be like spiritually completely mismatched, but someone who can say, “I felt blessed because this little synchronicity happened.” Immediately, I’m like, “We’re on the same page here,” like, “I like what you’re putting down,” and to me that’s spiritually attractive.

I liked the way that you phrased this and saying the way that somebody expresses themselves, because how you express yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually is typically what you’re attracted to and/or what you’re attracted by. It’s how somebody is expressing themselves in those ways, so where do these attractions come from and how do we find ourselves in specific relationships with certain types of people or with not certain types of people.

I like to break it down into what I call mirroring and complementing. Mirroring is when you attract someone who is on the same level. When we’re talking about sending out a message and someone who resonates with that message, they come in to you. That may mean that they are experiencing the same thing. For example, when I was depressed, I dated women who were also depressed or they had depressive tendencies and I notice that now when I’m in a completely different area of my life, even though I might be going through big challenges and things that are scary and all that, my tendency is to be happy and positive and spiritual, so I tend to attract women who are very happy and positive and spiritual. That can happen on all sorts of wavelengths.

The other side is complementing. This can also happen in two major ways. One is when someone complements you, when you attract someone or attracted to someone because they make up for a deficiency. Notice how much self-judgment there is within that. That’s important here when we’re looking at it because sometimes, say, the easiest one for me to think of because that’s where I spent a lot of my life, a depressed person may be attracted to someone who is very happy unconsciously thinking that, “If I’m in a relationship with that, here’s something I can’t give to myself. Maybe I can get some of that for myself. Maybe I’ll have some of that for myself. It fills the need. It fills the void, the gap there, but that’s dangerous. We will get into that in a different episode.

The other way when we’re talking about from a powerful place, which is what happens to me now within all of my relationships, intimate or not, is that I tend to notice that I form tight relationships with people who make up where I don’t pay attention. I have a couple of friends who are good at math and I’m so grateful because not only am I bad at it, I don’t care about it. There’s zero care to become better at it.

He is definitely not talking about me.

We mirror and complement each other in a lot of different ways. I would say our relationship is a lot more mirror and when we are together, we’re like, “We connect on so many levels. We’ve got to do something.”

He’s my masculine version of me.

It’s gorgeous and it and it flows, and I hope that you enjoy it as much as we do, but I do have friends who are good at math or certain things. I appreciate them not because I feel the need or whatever. I love that they can do something that I don’t even care about being good at. It’s amazing to have that where it’s like, “Look at this person being awesome at this thing.”Thank God I don’t have to do it because I got them around. It’s fun and we get to play with each other and appreciate each other from that side.

[Tweet “Relationships adapt and they flow.”]

There you have mirroring and complementing and both ways that it can apply. You can already start looking at your previous relationships or if you’re in a relationship, where is it? By the way, if it starts measuring, it doesn’t always end there. Relationships adapt and they flow. You may start off by complementing and end up mirroring or you can go in and out of one of the other, so where are you now? Where did you start? Then you can start looking at how things felt, where you were, where they were, and understand how things came about in the first place.

This brings up probably one of my favorite most interesting pieces in relationships when we’re talking about how those relationships come about and how we attract or in a way we start to unconsciously look for certain partners. This is diving back into the opening piece that everyone comes into your life for a certain reason, for you to learn something so that you can grow and so you can evolve. The perspective that I like to take on this is that your relationships tend to be an opportunity for you to heal a part of yourself from your childhood.

Oftentimes at an unconscious level, what will happen in relationships is we will seek out people that have similar traits to our parents, whether it’s in the way that they show up, the personalities, behavior patterns, whatever it is, because oftentimes we tend to have a lot of unresolved leftover from childhood. Because of that, we are seeking to at an unconscious soul level heal those wounds. We seek out people that mirror the qualities and/or the behavioral patterns of our parents.

The example that I’ll use for this is a little bit of my own experience where from a very early age, I had a lot of rejection and a lot of abandonment issues with my father. Because of that, I would seek out men who tend to be less emotionally available and who tended to want more independence and who tended to crave more emotional freedom. When I would get into these relationships, I found that attractive at first and then it would start to nag at that wound. It was a beautiful thing because it was, “Why am I feeling insecure and fearing rejection and fearing abandoned when this person is showing up in this way.” The interesting thing as we start to talk more about relationships and future episodes is that it had nothing to do with a person, but how I was embodying how they were showing up.

As this person started showing up that way, I started to open up this wound from a childhood experience and respond from that hurt from that wound, that fear of abandonment, that fear of rejection. If I were to respond out of fear and out of pain and out of hurt, and we’ll get into this in future episodes, I would start to push the person away. As a self-fulfilling prophecy would have it, they would then leave. The beautiful thing is learning that when somebody showing up into your life and you start to recognize that these wounds are coming up for you, it’s not that they’re there to hurt you, it’s that they’re there to heal you.

When those wounds start to show up, especially in more intimate relationships, it’s recognizing that what’s showing up in here inside of me that’s being triggered in my relationship because it’s a reflection of yourself. Your partner is a reflection of your deepest fears, deeper parts of you that typically you wouldn’t want to see, and so as you look in your partner, you tend to see a lot of pieces of yourself that you want to either be and/or that you don’t lie. That’s where we talk about mirroring from a different perspective of you’re either going to see the part you love in your partner that you wish you were more of or the parts that you don’t like and you wish you didn’t have.

It’s recognizing in that as well that when you’re looking at relationships and you’re starting to find yourself attracted to certain types of people and you notice certain patterns and all these relationships that you’ve been having, maybe as you’re thinking about the ones that you’ve been living, I can say “I’ve noticed in every relationship that I’ve been in, they’ve left or they cheated or they’ve done this thing. They’d behave the same way”. It’s interesting. What’s the common denominator in every single one of those relationships? You’ll start to notice that it’s you. This is where you can start to see that maybe there is possibility that you’ve been in attracting a certain type of person, but more so you’ve been attracting a certain type of person that’s been coming into your life for you to go internal, recognize that childhood wounds, so that you can heal it, learn from it, and grow it.

MMM 032 | Unconscious Attraction
Unconscious Attraction: Recognize that childhood wounds, so that you can heal it, learn from it, and grow it.

We are to have episode coming up on different techniques and strategies to create an amazing relationship once you’re already in it that will allow you to consistently grow but it needs to be formed and founded on this idea that yes, this person is here not even so that you can enjoy life as much as so that you can grow in it. When you have that, it already helps me with so many things because if you look at it like, “We’re supposed to enjoy each other.” The moment there’s a bleak, you’re like, “This relationship is not serving its purpose,” and that’s when people start bowing out. They already start looking for the exit because they’ve got the wrong purpose in mind.

When you start off by saying, yes, perfect. Here’s another abusive person. Maybe it’s time for me to learn how to be strong. It’s not going to be like that. It’s not going to be that easy, but for me, I got into relationships and I would always get bored with them, and I thought, “Why am I attracting a bunch of freaking boring people” and I realized they were not boring. I had just this insatiable need for even more that I led myself to believe that I was not good enough, that I was not fun enough, and that they were not fun enough and I forced myself into being bored based of my own beliefs. I kept on attracting people who will lead me into the same thing until I could learn that and heal that and then presto started attracting different people.

What’s interesting, when I cleared out these beliefs about myself, I started attracting interesting people, exciting people. Whether it’s because I could finally appreciate that within them or maybe I put out a different signal, but that’s what happened. My reasons for getting in relationships changed because I did as well. That leads us into the idea of how do you become attractive? How do you change in a way that will attract the people who you consciously want to attract so that then your unconscious attraction systems will work in accordance with your goals?

It’s interesting that you bring that up because again, it is that process of holding up that mirror and recognizing those patterns in previous relationships, especially if you’ve been in the field because then you can start to see “What are these parts of me that I need to recognize, love, and heal and accept in a way to where that I can attract someone that can mirror where I currently am or where I want to be?” The biggest thing that we’ve talked about in previous episodes is the concept that you attract what you are, not what you want. It’s understanding that if you want to attract somebody who is emotionally stable and magnificent and fun and energetic and charismatic and loving and free, it’s about you stepping into that energy within yourself.

There is also the idea of you must love yourself before someone else can love you. You’ve got to treat yourself in the way that you want people to treat you. The inverse of the golden rule and then connect with who you are, look at your beliefs. If you need to review the tool kit, the first of about ten episodes, to understand what beliefs are, what your self-image is, how do you see yourself, how do you create your reality and all of that good stuff, please go and check it out. Learn about your values and how to find them. Learn about how you’re filtering people in or out and how you view yourself, because that must shift in order for you to shift the message that you’re putting out and the messages that you’re getting back in.

It’s like using online dating or mobile dating, changing your beliefs is like changing your bio. If you’re beliefs are you’re not good enough, that you’ll never be successful, you’re not worthy of having happiness, it doesn’t matter what you want or what you tell yourself, if this is what you believe deep down, then it’s filling your bio with that and so you’re going to get people who are either attracted to that or agree with it within themselves. Then your self-image, that’s like putting up pictures and if you put up a bunch of pictures of you frowning or a bunch of you crying or getting angry and punching holes in walls, you’re going to attract a very specific person.

When we’re talking about becoming more attractive, the useful thing to do would be, like Sophie said, write down all of the ideal qualities that you would want to have inside of a partner. Who is the perfect partner? Include physical traits by the way, because if you want someone who has rock-hard abs but 100 pounds overweight, might be a little bit of disparity. I’m not knocking anybody and I’m not trying to fat shame you or anything like that. You love your body. I am saying though that if you want to give yourself the best chances of attracting someone who is fitting those ideal qualities, including physical traits, the best way to do it is by embodying those traits and qualities first.

I’m going to be beating a dead horse here, but you attract what you are, not what you want. It is understanding “Who are you? What are you? How are you showing up?” because that is what you’re putting out and you’re going to attract quite literally somebody very similar who’s going to match and mirror a lot of those pieces. It is this process of becoming that person, becoming what you want to experience. Beliefs about yourself but also your beliefs about other people, the opposite sex or the same sex, depending on your sexual preference. What are your beliefs about dating? What are beliefs about relationships? What are your beliefs about men or about women? Becoming aware of that also is important in understanding what you’re going to be paying attention to and the type of self-fulfilling prophecies that you are going to attract.

[Tweet “You attract what you are, not what you want.”]

We got two tasks because this is such a great topic. Keep in mind that as we were talking about getting into relationships, you can use these tasks to improve current relationships. Please do these no matter what, whether you’re single or whether you are off the market, start off by reviewing either the relationship that you’re in or your last relationship and identify whether you were mirroring each other or complementing each other or maybe mirroring in some ways and complementing in other ways. Pay attention to how that relationship, if you’re single, “How that relationship completely went through its cycle. How did it continue? How did it end?” and the relationship to whether you were mirroring or complementing each other, or if you’re in a current relationship, take a look at the current state of your relationship and see whether things can be further improved by analyzing where things are being mirrored and complementing. This is also where the second part plays in.

I want you to write that list of ideal qualities that you want to have within a partner, whether you’re in a relationship or not. Even if you’re in a relationship, this is very useful. Assume that your partner could change in any way you wanted them to change and you’re writing the ideal list of what you want them to be when you’re done. Then I want you to look at your qualities with respect to these qualities and I want you to see how many of these qualities that you embody and then I want you to create a list out of those ideal qualities of a partner that you will embody. Take some action steps.

If you have something written down saying their patient, but you maybe have not been so patient recently, circle that and I want you to create reminders or I want you to enlist your partner or I want you to do whatever you can in order to help you grow into becoming even more patient. If you have a “Pays attention to my needs even more,” look at yourself. Have you been paying attention to your partner’s needs? If you’re single, have you been paying attention to your own needs? Maybe you could do that even more, starting to get the picture of how to use these two steps, and that way you can immediately either improve the relationship you have with yourself, improve yourself so that you can have an even better relationship in the future, or improve the current relationship you’re in.

Please take the time to do this exercise. We love hearing from you. What we will be talking about on the next episode, things are going to get a little hot and spicy as we talk about sex and intimacy in relationships and how you can start improving your relationships through these areas. On that note, have a fantastic day. We hope you enjoyed this episode. We will see you on the next one.

See you later, alligator.

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I'm Sophie Kessner

First generation Mexican American mama that’s gone from hood to strategic hustle. I’ve spent the last 10+ years inside the personal development space supporting 100’s of coaches in scaling 6 figure businesses online & supported 4 different companies in surpassing the 7 figure mark. Today, I focus on making scaling more sustainable by integrating the lenses of business, systems, automation and CEO Development through an Equity centered and Trauma informed lens.

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Sophie is the founder of The Sacred CEO™ Agency and has been in the service based coaching industry since 2015. She’s created and scaled 4 different multi 6 figure coaching programs including their latest course, The Online Business Automator.

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