EP #36: How Many Of These Relationship Mistakes Are You Making?

Relationship mistakes and troubles can happen at any time. One day you two are fully in love and everything is roses, and the next day it’s all yelling, hanging up on each other, and name-calling. With all the finger pointing and defensiveness it’s hard to see why the conflict started. You may even think you know why, but here’s the hard truth: If you really knew what caused the problem, you would have resolved it by now. If you don’t know how your unconscious mind works in a relationship, you probably don’t know why the conflict really started, how to peacefully resolve it, and how to make sure it stays resolved. When you have a conflict, it’s important that you recognize the meaning that you’re giving to certain circumstances and events and that you respect your partner’s individuality, and in those moments, give yourself permission to recognize your own individuality, too. Find out the deepest causes of trouble in relationships so that you can avoid them gracefully and resolve them permanently.

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How Many Of These Relationship Mistakes Are You Making?

We’re right in the middle of a block of episodes all about having amazing relationships and dealing with relationships in general. One of the really important parts of it, is knowing all about where relationships can go wrong. The challenges that may come up while you’re in the middle of an intimate relationship and going over them so that we can give you a little bit of an idea of what to look out for, how it happens. We’ve given you a lot of ways to make things good. Here, we’re going to talk about how to repair as well.

What we want to dive into here first is it’s going to be a lot of the opposites of everything that we’ve talked about in previous episodes. One of the biggest challenges that most people tend to experience in relationships is that of when one or both of the people will lose a sense of themselves within the relationship, i.e., they don’t know who they are without the other person. It starts to create a state of codependency. When this occurs, it can show up in a few different ways. Number one, it can show up in a sense of insecurity or feeling like they don’t know how to be without that other person. Everything starts to become a trigger. Where one of the partners wants to spend some time away and the person feels like, “Are they cheating on me?”They start to feel insecure about themselves in a certain way. It’s important that you start to become aware of either with yourself or with your partner or in past relationships, how they respond or you respond to certain circumstances.

To be fully open when people change. Being an individual, being yourself within a relationship means that you’re going to accept yourself. We talked about that in the last episode, so go check that out. As a quick reminder, the antidote to that is still allowing yourself to change, grow and be an individual. That way, you can prevent the whole thing. Being an individual also may mean that you and your partner will have different values. We did an episode that is all about values, individuality, and identity.

Values, the things that are important to us, the things that drive our behavior and create a lot of our beliefs, if we don’t line up with them in a relationship, really what’ll happen there is the partners are going to see the world very differently from each other. Even though they may have the best intentions, if you see the world as something distinctly different than your partner, it’s going to be very hard to communicate and agree. Conflicting values is a source of major contention, a lot of the times when couples come to me for counseling, for healing, I’ll see that their values are totally different from each other. They simply don’t live in the same world as each other.

What can also show up here too, is just a lack of communication or a lack of compassion. What this can look like is when one person may be feeling misunderstood, or unseen or unheard, depending on their love language. Refer back to the previous episode to further understand what we’re talking about there. It’s being able to recognize are you feeling heard and understood and you are appreciated for who you truly are? When there’s a lack of compassion, when resentment starts to build from a lack of communication or a lack of trust, and you’ll notice a theme here, there’s a lack of, then you start to recognize, “What do I feel I’m missing?” That communication can simply be resolved through biting the bullet and having that honest conversation and communicating after knowing and understanding your partner’s communication language or love language and love patterns, how you’re feeling. Not from a place of, “You make me,” but from a place of, “I feel and this is what’s coming up for me.”

[Tweet “Being an individual, being yourself within a relationship means that you’re going to accept yourself.”]

When you come from that place, it allows you to cut off of the offensive, making somebody else wrong and more so from the place of coming from the same respectful ground where your partner can say, “I can see that and this is how I feel.” What this also allows us to do, it allows us to really step into understanding different needs in the relationship. How are you and your partner meeting your needs and are they not being met? Coming back to this piece of being whole, are you only meeting your needs inside of the relationship? This can also be a huge challenge is when one partner is meeting their needs outside of the relationship, but the other partner is only able to meet their needs inside of the relationship. Anytime, they’re not in that part of the relationship, they feel like they’re missing something. This is where you’ll often see the codependency come in.

We are using needs in a very specific way. If you are new to the podcast, please go and listen to the episode where we do cover needs and we cover especially the Six Basic Human Needs because then you’ll be able to really pay attention to what you need, what your partner needs, and how to first of all and foremost, supply it for yourself. Supply what you need for yourself. That’s part of the definition of being whole, but then also helping your partner find it, get it, appreciate it for themselves as well. That’s part of the definition of sharing inside of a relationship. If you are a little bit unclear as to what these six basic human needs are, what they mean, how to pay attention to them, pickup when someone needs something or it’s not getting it, please go check out that episode. It is so, so critical. The other thing there is that in order to really provide your partner’s needs, in order to be a source of them, you must be your best self all the time. I believe we should be that way all the time in life.

It’s not to say that you need to be perfect. We’re going to have our down days. We’re going to have our stressed out days. We’re going to have our emotional freak outs. We’re going to have those days when we’re sick. We’re going to have the days all over the map. Even in those days, we are still doing our best to be our best. I was talking with Sophie about some of the stresses and tensions in my world and what I’m doing to show up as my best, even though right now I have significant health issues that I’m dealing with that came out of nowhere and other tensions and stresses. It’s not the idea of avoiding it, and it’s not the idea of hiding it in a relationship. It is allowing yourself to be there and push to be even more patient, even more loving, even more accepting, even more creative, trying even harder to resolve your issues, to heal them, to grow as a person every day. The moment we start letting up is the moment that the relationship starts suffering.

Another thing that tends to come up a lot of times is when there tends to be a lack of trust, a lack of intimacy in the relationship. What this can look like or how it can show up is where the one or both of the partners doesn’t feel safe to fully express themselves. Maybe in a way where they don’t feel they are fully accepted or acknowledged or maybe they feel a part of them has been made wrong or they are making a part of themselves wrong. This is that whole part about as you guys are noticing a theme here, being whole, and coming back to a place where you can love, acknowledge and appreciate all of who you are.

I believe we have spent a lot of time to covering this piece. Reviewing previous episodes where we have talked about you becoming and stepping into your most authentic self, which is one of the most powerful things that you can do. If you want to go back to that episode, I believe we talked all about authenticity. In your relationship, is about being able to utilize the tools of creating intimacy, of creating that safe space where you can have compassion, appreciation, and acknowledgement for yourself, number one, and for your partner even when you don’t necessarily agree.

A part of that is removing all senses of transaction from your relationship. We talked about this pretty heavily in the last couple episodes. Whenever the relationship becomes, “I’m going to do this so that I can get that,” then the relationship suffers. When that is allowed to grow as an accepted behavior and code of conduct, then the appreciation for each other dwindles. It should be a free flowing appreciation, not an appreciation only when these conditions are met. That’s not safety, certainty and comfort. That’s certainly not love and connection. That’s a business transaction. If you’ve seen House of Cards, the relationship in that between the main character and his wife has become completely devoid of intimacy, of sex, of anything. It’s like once a month they have sex because it’s part of the relationship, it’s to keep up the facade. It’s like, “What a wife should do in order to have a relationship with her husband.” It’s transactional. It’s like they shake hands and go to bed and then they’re done.

The moment that you feel like you are whoring yourself out, trading within the relationship or expecting, “I’ve done this so I should get that,” that’s not appreciation. That’s the exact opposite of appreciation. Just catch yourself and then do your best to let go of those expectations and realize that in a relationship, nobody has to do anything. That’s not why you got together. That’s not what it is. If you’re looking for that kind of relationship, sign a contract with a business partner and do that, but that’s a totally different thing.

Push yourself into appreciating that person for everything they are. If there’s a conflict, then work it out. Sit there and focus on finding out what needs are being met, what needs are not being met, what values are in conflict with each other? How do you see the world? How do they see the world? How can you bring them into greater harmony? Oftentimes, talking about it with a pointed conversation looking at these things is enough to find out what’s gone wrong and then heal it. That way you can go back to this pure state of appreciation and gratitude for each other.

You brought something up that’s interesting when we’re talking about intimacy and relationships. This is something that does occur especially in longer term relationships or marriages. When there’s a massive lack of sexual intimacy. You have to understand that it’s not everything, but in relationships, especially intimate romantic relationships, it’s a very important key component. Recognizing that if you are feeling that there is a lack thereof or that it is nonexistent, understanding what has created that space between you and your partner to where you feel unsafe or unattracted in whatever way. It could be lack of polarity between energies, between your feminine and masculine. Going back to previous episodes where we dove deep into understanding both of these energies and being able to get yourself back into polarity where you feel attractive and attracted to your partner. One of the easiest ways to do that is going back to creating your individual self where it you start to love and appreciate yourself and you bring that into the relationship.

You fill up your cup so you can go and water the garden that is your relationship so both you and your partner can bear the fruits. It’s amazing what starts to happen when you start to bring in a sense of spontaneity, a sense of compassion, a sense of really looking at your partner and loving and appreciating them because you’re coming from a place of wholeness especially in taking care of yourself. If anything, this is probably one of the biggest reasons why a lot of relationships have challenges is when one or both of the partners stop taking care of themselves.

We’ve talked about this in the last episode, you’ll get into a relationship and you’ll be like, “I won. I’m good or I got married. I don’t need to work out anymore. I’m busy with the job, with the kids, with the home,” and life happens. You have to remember, why you got into that relationship in the first place. It may be different for some of you, but remembering and showing up as your best self. That means taking care of your physical self, of your mental, of your emotional and even your spiritual self so that you can bring more of that into your relationship and you can come from a place of expansion rather than a place of lack.

MMM 36 | Relationship Mistakes
Relationship Mistakes: You fill up your cup so you can go and water the garden that is your relationship so both you and your partner can bear the fruits.

When we’re coming from a place of wholeness and looking to help others feel whole. When you’re looking to help your partner feel whole, it’s important also to remember two real important things in there. The feminine really needs certainty and the masculine really need significance. I find a lot of time in a relationship that is going wrong that one or both is not being met. This can be in any relationship. This could be in a straight relationship, in a homosexual relationship. This can be in anything. For right now, I’m going to refer to let’s say a masculine man and a feminine woman for ease of reference.

I see a lot when relationships start breaking down that says the men does not feel significant from his partner. He does not feel important. He does not feel he is really worth much. That can come from a lack of sexual intimacy. That can be from people cutting each other down. That could be from a lack of sincere appreciation or gratitude and that could be the correct use of a love language. Then the man starts breaking down. He starts getting resentful or starts looking for things outside of the relationship. Spending even more time at work maybe or more time with friends or start seeking other female attention because he’s not getting that significance within the relationship.

The female here is all about certainty. By the way, men, if you’ve ever wondered why your partner might be testing you or even starting fights for no reason or coming out of nowhere at you, that could be a test to see whether you will provide certainty. Whether even under duress you will be there and say, “I don’t care what’s going on. We’re going to work this out. I don’t care how stressful. I know you’re angry. I’m not leaving. I’m staying right here. I’m not going anywhere. You can’t get rid of me if you tried.” That certainty, that presence. When the feminine doesn’t get that certainty, she’ll start freaking out and start acting in all different ways in order to try to get that certainty.

To the masculine, it might look like pushing away. It might be that test of starting a fight, pushing away, saying nasty things, because it’s that test. It’s that almost invitation of, “Please show me that even though I’m crazy right now, that you will be there for me.” When the masculine doesn’t see it and sees the fight, sees the nasty words or the running away, then the relationship can fall apart. Both partners really need to be attuned to those needs especially so that they can really show up for their partners. Otherwise, I promise you the relationship will suffer.

On the opposite end of this, because this is such a huge if probably not one of the biggest parts of relationship challenges, is when the feminine energy starts to unappreciate or nag or contradict or make wrong that masculine or man in the sense. What this can look like is when there’s a lack of appreciation. When they start to make fun or make it wrong or emasculate that masculine energy and they start to feel even more insignificant. You have to recognize, especially as a woman that what your man or the masculine energy really needs is it needs to feel special. It needs to feel that it matters. It needs to feel that it’s important. It needs to feel that it really means something, it can do its job. Understanding, what you’ll often times see, especially in longer term marriages, when there’s an external factor. For instance, the man loses his job or something happens outside of his control and he’s not able to provide. It takes a huge hit on his masculinity.

As a woman, you may feel that. It may be frustrating when there’s a lack of certainty in his own judgment about what he can or can’t do. When you start to contradict him or make him wrong or say that you shouldn’t be knowing this stuff and he gets frustrated. That is you stepping into more of your masculine and competing and judging. When you do this, you are causing more harm than good. What you can do instead is stepping in back into a place of love and appreciation and compassion and recognize that what your man, what your masculine energy really needs, is it needs to feel loved and appreciated and significant and special. This can be as simple as saying, “You mean the world to me and I am so grateful that you’re the only person in the world who can really make me feel so safe and so special.” When you do that, when your man feels that he’s the person that makes you feel safe, he’s the person that means the most to you, it will light him up in ways to where he could start to get a little bit of that confidence back.

This is that the 10X Your Business Online when I was speaking at Adam Flores’ event. I was hanging out in a friend’s room and her friend was texting with her boyfriend and I could see her. As I was walking down the hall to the room, I could see that she was really upset. She was in the middle of a fight with him. I walked up, she walked back into the room and told me about what was going on. She had said that he had become really controlling, especially over the last couple of months that he wanted to either control the way she lived or to control what she did. She was trying to explain to me what was going on.

[Tweet “You have to recognize, especially as a woman, that what your man or the masculine energy needs is to feel special.”]

Here’s the situation between them, at least at the time, was that they’d known each other for awhile, but she would not let him move in with her and would rarely even let him stay over. What he had been trying to do lately is control her by buying her things or making these wild demands on her or getting angry if she didn’t do what he said. She would not accept his money even though he tried to give her money for things and he would get angry at that saying that she wouldn’t care and she’s not appreciating him. Here he was texting her and starting a fight with her when she’s at an event and she’s like, “Don’t you realize that I’m over here. I’m busy.”

I looked at this and told her, “Here’s a classic sign of a man who does not feel significant. She had known him for five years and would not let him really get close even though she said that they loved each other. He tried moving in and that wouldn’t work. He tried staying over, she wouldn’t let him. He tried leaving some things at her house, she wouldn’t let him. I’m sure in his mind consciously or not, he felt, “What can I do to make myself feel significant in this? I know. I’ll give her money for stuff there. She’s got to be able to accept that.”She didn’t accept that. Then tried to control her actions, behaviors because he’s like, “I’ve got to get a grip somehow. I’ve got to feel significant in this relationship somehow,” or even starting fights or sending her texts even when he knows that she’s somewhere else. I suggested, “Instead of demeaning and instead of fighting with him even more and making him feel even less significant, what happens is you reminded him how significant he was to you.”

She sent him a text saying, “Hey love. Even though I’ve been going through some stuff, even though we’re fighting, you’re my moon and stars.” She said like, “I can’t wait to spend all day with you. I don’t care what we’ll do. Whatever you want to do, I just want to be with you.” It pacified the whole thing. It’s flipped a switch and he could finally feel like, “There’s that significance.”He sent her back a bunch of sweet texts and I actually saw her after that and the relationship completely flipped. It completely changed. There you can see how things can go so wrong so fast because she was feeling uncertain because of his aberrant behavior. He is acting totally differently. He wasn’t feeling significant because she wouldn’t let him. The moment they started paying attention to what each other needed, the entire thing melted away.

I’m going to dissect it even a little bit more. You’ll notice that part of what she was doing is she was putting on this masculine mask trying to control and keep him at a distance to protect that feminine part of her for whatever reason. What that forces him to do is to go into more of that feminine energy of trying to understand because there’s too much competition there, his masculine energy obviously is not getting what it needs. What’s interesting is what that feminine energy really needed is a sense of certainty. A sense of feeling safe and because of his lack of confidence and certainty within himself, she was not able to go into that feminine.

What’s so interesting is when she took a moment to acknowledge and appreciate his masculine. His sense of confidence and certainty came back, which I’m sure is what allowed her to step back into her feminine because she felt safe again. She felt there was certainty there and that he was present. This is something that you see a lot with relationships that are having challenges is it’s not necessarily that anything went wrong. It may be that the people of the relationships are wearing masks that aren’t in their core and they are both frustrated and burned out and feeling misheard and misunderstood. They can’t take it off.

You oftentimes see this when two people are wearing both very masculine masks. There’s a lot of conflict, a lot of confrontation, a lot of yelling, a lot of screaming or when both of them are very much in their feminine. They’re both feeling way too much and expressing so. Nothing is actually being done. It’s a lot of a lot of emotion. It’s being able to create that place, that sanctuary where you and your partner are both able to step back into your core and recognizing what is the core for you and what is the core for your partner. Are you normally a masculine person or are you a feminine person? Is your partner normally a masculine or feminine person?

A quick and easy way to do this is thinking about what allowed you to fall so deeply in love and/or be so magnetically attracted to your partner in the first place when you first met? How were you showing up? How were you communicating? How was your partner showing up? How are they communicating? What did you love about the way that they would make you feel? As you think about that, it’ll start to give you a lot of insight into what may have shifted. I think actually that this leads us into the weekly tasks.

MMM 36 | Relationship Mistakes
Relationship Mistakes: Take care of your physical, mental, emotional and even your spiritual self so that you can bring more of that into your relationship and you can come from a place of expansion rather than a place of lack.

The task is a little bit of self-reflection. If you’re in a relationship right now, what I’d like you to do is using all of the information that you’ve got in this episode and the previous couple of episodes, analyze it. When things went a little wrong, when there was conflict, when you felt a little further than closer, what was it? Now, that you know many of the biggest ways that relationships lead into conflict, really analyze that for yourself. As if you were a relationship counselor, give your past self some advice. Then take that advice and even if things are going great, now apply it because it’ll get even better.

If you’re going through something now, analyze that, looking for all the telltale signs that we’ve given you and the solutions as well so that you can put it into play. If you are single, look at your previous relationships and analyze those. When things went wrong, what happened there? How can you even better prepare yourself to be an even partner in your next relationship? Having clearly viewed your past relationships, given yourself that advice and made the appropriate tweaks so that you can really come into your next relationship whole and even more loving and more ready to have an amazing time.

We would love to hear about some of your introspection and what you’re discovering, especially through these processes. It really does light us up to hear about some of the transformations that you guys are having and reading some of the stories that we’ve received so far. Take the time to really implement this strategy and come from a place, not a judgment, but a place of compassion and love. When you do this, it’s going to transform so much. We are so excited to see you guys on the next episode when we are going to be diving deep into infidelity.

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I'm Sophie Kessner

First generation Mexican American mama that’s gone from hood to strategic hustle. I’ve spent the last 10+ years inside the personal development space supporting 100’s of coaches in scaling 6 figure businesses online & supported 4 different companies in surpassing the 7 figure mark. Today, I focus on making scaling more sustainable by integrating the lenses of business, systems, automation and CEO Development through an Equity centered and Trauma informed lens.

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Sophie is the founder of The Sacred CEO™ Agency and has been in the service based coaching industry since 2015. She’s created and scaled 4 different multi 6 figure coaching programs including their latest course, The Online Business Automator.

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You can find Soph snuggling up with her son on the couch, spending weekends at Trauma retreats or dancing her heart out at the next EDM Festival.

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