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EP #60: What It REALLY Takes To Evolve

So you want to evolve – in business, relationships, life in general – but reading books, watching YouTube videos, and talking to friends just isn’t cutting it. What do you do? In this episode, we lay out what it REALLY takes to grow so that you make more money, have more fun, have more loving and amazing relationships, and love yourself more. Follow these tips to make 2019 your best year yet.

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 What It REALLY Takes To Evolve

There are some specific questions that we’re going to be answering and there are some more general ones. One of the ones that keeps on coming up for us with our clients and with the people that we’re speaking with day-to-day is what does it take to evolve as a person? What does it take to change? Sometimes we can be in ruts, feel stuck or being a certain way for so long that we could start thinking maybe we can’t change. Maybe this is who we are or whatever it takes in order to get on the other side of this is so big, complicated, expensive or time-intensive that we just won’t be able to do it. We clear all of that up for you.

Let’s dive right in and meet you all right at the front line. If you are most people who are trying to self-evolve, you may have realized that there is only a certain level that you can get to when you are doing it all on your own. Whether you are watching all the videos, whether you’re listening to all the podcasts, whether you’re reading all the books, whatever it is you’re doing there is only so much that you can do by yourself. That is an important and sometimes a harsh reality to come to truth with. You have to start to recognize that in order for you to get to the next level, there are going to be things that you simply cannot see in yourself. You need the outside perspective. Preferably from somebody who has been there. That’s already evolved past that, that can see what you’re not seeing, that can see your scotoma your blind spots. Help you learn how to move through those and move past those. The quickest way and the most expansive way to evolve is by investing in yourself. Investing in somebody to support you through that, whether it’s coaching or mentorship.

One way I like to think about it is texting. Have you ever written something? A text message, which to you felt so entirely clear and the other person got it totally wrong. Read into something totally different. You were writing a joke and you think, “This is going to be a funny joke.” The other person gets super pissed off and offended. You didn’t even know until the other person told you, “This is what you said.” You could look at it again, “I had no idea. This is what I was saying.” That’s a text. If can happen at a text, it can happen literally anywhere else in your life. You simply won’t see it. How many times do we have where we thought we’re portraying ourselves one way until another person said, “When you say or you do this, they’re being a jerk.” You’re being X, Y and Z or this is what we’re seeing or whatever. You didn’t know. That’s why we need outside perspective. We have to have it because if you’re stuck in your own little world entirely, then you are your own sounding board. You’re inside an echo chamber.

[bctt tweet=”You need to become ruthless in your own evolution. You need to give yourself permission to be selfish.” via=”no”]

I’ve been a coach for nearly ten years. I tend to think of myself as good at what I do. I’m going to other coaches literally. I was there unraveling the bullshit that I’ve been telling myself about who I was and who I have been for my entire life. I didn’t know. I thought this is legit who I was. Turns out it was a story I’d been telling myself for so long. I started believing it and I needed someone to show me, “This is who you are.” Opened a mirror so that I can see it but without that person there I could go on my entire life believing this thing that I made up. If you want to get to the core like Sophie was saying, do the damn thing. Stop with any of the self-sabotage or the lies we tell ourselves, the created perceptions or the illusions the fastest, best way, most reliable way. This is the most cost-effective way too. You might think, “Spending $5,000 on a coach is a lot of money.” Struggling with a problem your whole damn life that’s going to cost you so much more. Getting a coach, investing in your program or investing in a coach directly is the best, fastest and most economical way to go. Hands down, bar none.

Let’s touch on this because I know a lot of people have fear around investing in themselves, whether they’ve had contamination in the past or maybe experiences that didn’t go so well. Maybe they were promised more than they were delivered. If you have some of those fears and maybe you’re looking into investing in yourself. Number one, go back and listen to our episodes on Finding the Right Mentors so that you do find somebody who can support you on that. We give you a lot of tools, a lot of strategies and making sure that you find the person who is the perfect fit for you all. That’s not to say that is me or Dan. It’s not me or Dan, it may or may not be. The important thing is that you know what you need and that you know what you’re looking for.

Some of the other fears that come up, diving back to some of the previous episodes we talked about is self-sabotage. Keeping ourselves from investing because of the fears that we have around success. What it would mean for us to achieve, evolve, extend and how that would shift our lives our reality in an unfamiliar or unknown way, which is scary. As we can start to recognize some of these fears, whether they make sense or they don’t, it helps you to start to see, “Interesting.” There is this part of me that wants to expand and evolve but then there’s this other part of me that is afraid of evolving. What that would mean about my relationship or about my life circumstances. About my business or all these other things, which brings us beautifully into understanding your social circle. The people that you connect yourself with.

MMM 60 | Evolve
Evolve: The people that you’re around are giving you things. They are giving you lessons.

This is one of the things that gets me every single time. It’s such an important thing. If you haven’t yet noticed about my tone, I’m aggressive with pretty much everything I do in my life. It works for me and I liked it. I’m also fairly aggressive with this topic. If you think of this as cutthroat or if you think of this as harsh then it might be. I’m going to present it the way that I think about it. I’m going to let you do whatever you want with it. Everybody knows, it’s common knowledge of you become the product of the five people that you hang out with most. It happens by osmosis. I’ve noticed that I can hang out in a room full of very successful people and we’re not talking about success, we’re not talking about business, we’re not talking about anything. We’re just hanging out, joking around but I get from them a lot of transmissions. I’m picking up on their ambition, drive, discipline, everything and their viewpoints on life. You don’t even know that the people that you’re around, they’re giving you things.

They’re giving you lessons. They’re giving you information. You’re taking it on unconsciously. There is no way to stop it. You can say like, “I hang out with negative people. I don’t let them get to me.” That’s your ego getting in your way. What you’d be saying is, you’re the only person on the planet who has ever existed or will ever exist that this rule doesn’t work for. You hang out with someone, you’re going to take some shit on whether it’s positive and helps you get to your goal or not or it will hold you back. Simple and plain. The thing is people will say, “I know that.” I need to make sure that the people I hang out with support where I’m going not where I’ve been. The question is, are you doing anything about it? That’s what it takes to evolve. If you committed to living your absolute best life at your highest potential, you’ve got to look at who you’re spending time with and you must edit. It doesn’t mean you need to immediately snip people out of your life. If someone is taking your energy, infusing your time with negativity, doubt, making you feel bad about yourself, if they’re not supporting you, they’re being too demanding of your energy so you can’t give enough to what you want it might be time to start limiting how much time you spend with them. If not cut them out entirely.

Some people you have to catch them. Catch them on their upswings. You hang out with them 10% of the time and you know. Now’s a good time where they’re going to be positive, supportive and everything. Everybody I hang out with, they’re forward-thinking, positive thinking. They are driven. They share and give energy. These are people who are open-minded and who are adventurous. You’re not going to find a single person in my crew that I work with or hang out with who doesn’t exhibit all those qualities, because I’ve made it that way. I want to make sure that every single time I spend time with anybody that I work with or that I hang out with for more than five minutes on purpose, teaches me something useful, inspires me, shares beautiful energy and makes me laugh. We have something positive that’s going on. That way my circle becomes a vehicle for my evolution. If you’re serious about your evolution then, you’ll start taking a very critical eye to the people who are in your life as well.

[bctt tweet=”Don’t live for someone else because at the end of it, that person is not living for you.” via=”no”]

I love what you’re touching on because for a lot of us especially coaches, we are so heart-centered. We get so much fulfillment by helping, serving and giving to others. You need to become ruthless in your own evolution. Meaning you need to give yourself permission to be selfish. Get selfish about your own self-growth and your own evolution because there are so many times and myself included, where you hear the phrase of, “I don’t want to hurt so and so’s feelings. I’m going to stick around, stay with the circle or not tell them how I feel.” By doing so, you’re limiting your own self-evolution. You have to get to the place where you can be comfortable with knowing that, it may mean that you don’t necessarily have certain people in your life anymore. Maybe you don’t have the relationship that you’ve had with them previously. Coming from personal experience, having to let go of people that you love and they are good people. It’s not that they’re a bad human being, they’re good people. They’re keeping you limited in the sense that you can be so much more without this person or if this person was less involved in your life. Whether that’s a relationship, whether that’s a friend, whether that’s a family member, whatever that means.

You’ve got to become clear on what your evolution looks like and why that matters so much to you. As we start to get into that, it is understanding with this other concept of fear of your partner not supporting your growth. For those of you that have been in my own sphere and in my own social platforms, you’ll know that I had to make a big shift recently in my own relationship. For some of you, you may have been in that place recently too or you may be in a similar place, where maybe you had the fear that your partner won’t support you. Maybe you have the realization that you are evolving through your partner or past your partner. How can I either maintain this relationship with somebody if you genuinely want to be with them? How can I evolve through with this person or without this person? The biggest thing is to give yourself permission to put your evolution first. You’re staying in a relationship out of fear of not wanting to lose the person, is you limiting your own evolution. You’re going to be so unhappy staying in that place, knowing that you could become something so much more than where you currently are.

In that situation, the way that I think about it again, I am ruthless. If you do that tradeoff you keep the person and you lose yourself. I don’t think that’s a good trade-off at all. I’m of the mind of your partner, if you have the fear of them not supporting your growth, then it needs to be brought up immediately. That fear needs to be expressed. You need to have a conversation immediately instead of letting that grow. If they don’t support your success, see if you can get them to support your success. If they still don’t, kick them away from you because who are you living for? You’re not living for them. I hope you’re not living for someone else because at the end of it that person is not living for you. I don’t care how much they love you. It’s not a thing that animals do. They live for themselves. This is your life. You’ve been there. You’re the only thing that’s been there throughout your entire life from birth all the way until now, every single second that’s been you.

MMM 60 | Evolve
Evolve: Be in an environment that supports your evolution.

As an entrepreneur, you owe it to the world. I do believe that you have a responsibility to be as happy, successful, self-loving and self-supportive as you could possibly be. You’ve got amazing gifts and they need to be shared. It would be a sin for you not to share them. If you have someone in your life who is preventing you from sharing them, preventing you from being as happy and living as fully as you can, they need to be removed immediately. The same thing with your environment in general. I think of environment as a couple of different levels. One, your physical environment where you work, where you spend time with, where you live. There’s also your digital environment, social media where you get your news from all that stuff. I also include people as well in your environment. Maybe not necessarily the people who you’re directly contacting or in interacting with but maybe ambient people. The question here is does your environment support where you’re going or where you’ve been? That’s why it’s important for your physical environment. It was important when I moved into my last place. I love where I live. I’m obsessed with it because it’s big.

It’s very sunny. I filled it full of plants and colorful crystals, books and all the things that make me feel energetic and alive. It’s in a neighborhood with trees, plants and flowers everywhere. People walking their dogs and people are generally happy. It’s in LA, you know the weather that I’m living in all the time. This is expansive for me. I feel spacious here. I feel big. I feel in motion here. I love it. Where I used to live before this, matched me at the time. It was good but it was dark. My apartment was in an apartment building. It was nestled away so it barely got any natural sunlight. I had to turn on all of the artificial light in my place for it to seem somewhat it’s still daytime. Still felt like a cave and it was okay for a little while but I didn’t feel very expansive there. I didn’t feel very energetic. I didn’t feel right and I had to leave. The question is, where do you spend your time? Is it neat? Is it orderly? Think Feng Sui, if your place is a complete disaster, chances are your thoughts are too. Make sure that your environment supports clean, energetic orderly, creative thought, focus, attention and creation for yourself.

Make sure that your digital environment, your social media is carefully curated. No longer is my social media for keeping in touch with friends. I still have a little bit of that on Facebook but for Instagram, that’s where I go to most, I deleted everybody and I have two friends on it maybe. One of them is my girlfriend because I know she’ll kill me if I remove her from it. Everybody else, they’re all very successful coaches and inspiring amazing people. When I log on there, my digital environment is inspiring. I read to learn how to write effective copy, how to tell effective stories, how to use effective pictures. I use it for my own to feel good about who I am as a coach or to show me where I could be going in my own career. It’s exciting. I’ve removed this whole comparison. I’ve removed anything that may make me feel I’m not good enough, I’m not doing well, that someone else has it better than me or anything like that. I’ve curated it to help push me forward. When you’re logging on to Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat or whatever you’re using, take a hard look at how you feel when you’re there.

[bctt tweet=”We evolve because of our problems. We evolve because of the things that we’re working through.” via=”no”]

Knowing that the way most people use it to keep track of people and see how things are and comparing. That increases your chances of developing depression and insecurity by a significant amount. Social media is one of the reasons why American teens suffer from more depression than almost any other generation that has ever existed in America. It’s a serious thing. It’s a big thing. Pay attention in the environment that you’re working or spending time in. Who are the people? What’s the ambient energy that you in? Is it positive? Is it driven? Is it exciting? Is it high vibe or is it low vibe? Even if you’re not interacting with these people, remember you take this stuff on. Make sure that your environment in all three levels where it supports your evolution in all ways. You’ll find that just by being in it pushes you further and further towards your goals.

The next thing we’re going to get into here is finding the balance between strategy and mindset. I love this topic so much. Having been just fully immersed especially with marketing and business. I know, Dan, you’ve been spending a lot of time doing this for your business too. Strategy is crucial for growth. It is as crucial as mindset. It is not one or the other. It is both and you need both. Regardless of who you are or where you’re at in your business, the mindset that you have can only get you to a certain level and same with the strategy. You need to up-level your strategy with your mindset. It’s crucial that you find mentors, our support systems that can help you evolve in both. If not, working with both ends of the spectrum either simultaneously or very close together.

As you evolve your strategy, you’re going to find that there are going to be a lot of mindset blocks that are going to come with that. You’re going to have to evolve as a human being to be able to show up in the capacity to where you can deliver at that next level strategy. In the same regard, you can have the best mindset in the world. If you don’t have a strategy, if you don’t know what you’re doing, then you’re screwed. No one’s going to know. There’s no consistency, there’s no plan, there’s no strategy. You have to have strategy with what you’re doing. I love the mindset coaches that are out there. They will get you to a certain point and then you need to hire the business mentor, the strategist who can help you with the actual strategy. You need both components so it’s getting clear and again, where are you right now? Where is the area where you are abundant? Whether it’s mindset or strategy and where’s the area where you could use a little love and support? If you’re feeling fantastic, confident and on fire, amazing. Maybe it’s you needing to tie more into strategy and how you can optimize that. If you feel you know exactly what to do, you can’t seem to get yourself to do it and or it’s not working for you but it’s working for other people, then that means it’s probably you need to do some more inner work. Dive into the mindset behind the actions that you’re taking and or not taking.

MMM 60 | Evolve
Evolve: Maybe the beliefs that got you here aren’t letting you get any further.

Dan, I know you’re going to love going off on this one. Why the inner work matters? I’ve worked with women at every level. We’re talking people who are starting at zero, people who are starting at $10,000 a month, people who are at $30,000 a month, even clients who are sometimes at $40,000 to $50,000 a month. It is the same thing regardless of how much money you’re making. I spend so much time with women who are at million dollars. If some of them are multiple million-dollar companies, they all have inner work. They all have some inner crap that they’re dealing with. A lot of the times it’s the same things that come down to this need for feeling they’re enough, feeling lovable, feeling worthy, feeling they can do this. A lot of the same concepts that we’re talking about, these things still exists regardless of your level of success. That’s why you doing the internal work is not necessary but mandatory, not only for your success but for your fulfillment as a human being.

I’ve seen this a lot with guys. I also work with a wide variety. I’ve worked with guys and gals. I’ve worked with all ages of all over the place. Some of my clients as well are legit celebrities. I get to see everything. There’s something very interesting there and I felt it at first for a little while of being a coach. We can take a lot of comfort in thinking that, “We’re successful. We have all this knowledge. We have all these skills.” We can tell ourselves that we don’t need the inner work. You can say, “I’m happy. I got a good head on my shoulders. I’m smarter than the average bear. I got this crap on lock. I just don’t know why I’m not getting the results that I need.” You are a victim of hubris my friend. I have no problem with saying that I was a victim of my own hubris for a very long time. That’s just crap because you’re going to have stuff that you’re going to be growing through your entire life because you’re alive and you’re a human.

We evolve because of our problems. We evolve because of the things that we’re working through. If we say, “I’m done. I have no more inner work. I’m Buddha on the inside.” That’s what’s getting you stuck. That’s what you’re going to have to work through. That’s going to be your inner crap that you’re going to have to clear out. This inability, this discomfort with the idea of needing to do work, of not being perfect. Let’s throw that in the trash and say, “We’re all humans. We’re all people. Everybody’s got some crap and it’s okay. It’s a great thing. It’s a beautiful thing.” No matter how good I am, no matter where I am, that I’ve got some stuff and it doesn’t have to be because I don’t have to have a bad life. I don’t have to have depression, be locked in self-doubt or whatever. I could have a beautiful life that is awesome and amazing. I love everybody around me. I love what I’m doing and I wake up excited about my life every day and I want to make it even better. Why can’t I make it even better right now?

[bctt tweet=”Inner work is all about making things even better.” via=”no”]

The beliefs that got you here aren’t letting you get any further. It’s not that you have bad beliefs, “I can’t be loved. I’ll never be successful.” Maybe your beliefs are just keeping you stuck where you are. Your challenges are going to be replacing those beliefs with beliefs that allow you to become even more expansive. That’s inner work. That’s mindset stuff. Hopefully, setting this in your mind that there’s nothing bad about wanting to do some mindset work. There’s nothing bad with feeling you need it in order to get to the next level. It doesn’t make you any less. It doesn’t take anything from you. It doesn’t bring on any judgment at all. All it is saying is that you’re interested and committed in doing the work that it takes in order to evolve to the next level, no matter what it is. Is anybody going to judge you for getting a business coach? No, they’re probably inspired by it. You’re serious about making your business even better. That’s the way it should be with mindset work. The problem is that mindset work is even more important.

As Sophie said, your business strategies won’t work if you shut yourself down from fully trying them because of whatever’s going on inside of your mind. Whether or not it’s telling you that you won’t succeed or telling you that you have to stay in your bubble. Telling you that, “Whatever.” It’s locking you in a comfort zone that’s better than everybody else’s but still you’re locked inside your comfort zone. You’ve got to break out of that crap. That’s what it is. We’ve got to stop looking at it as there’s a problem. Inner work is all about making things even better. That’s all it is. It’s taking you from wherever you are into wherever you want to go and giving you as many internal resources, whether it’s energy or patience. The strength to break out and do something radically different or whether it’s finding confidence or whether it’s freeing up your mind. Instead of over analyzing everything, you trust yourself even more, whatever it is for you. You’re going to find a lot of tools in it. I’m going to say that your mindset work is the most important work that you could ever do in any area of life. If you want to improve it.

The shifts that you are going to have, conscious and unconscious are tremendous. You can only have this when you have somebody who’s specifically trained in whatever the specific work is that you need support on. Whether that’s embodiment, whether that’s empowerment, whether that’s new to diving into your divine feminine or divine masculine. Are you getting mindset? Whatever this thing is you need somebody who can support you in that area and to go out and get that support. As you evolve, you may experience the same thing twice. I know I have. I thought I solved some crap and then I got to a certain level and it came back and I was, “I thought I dealt with that.” There are levels. Be kind to yourself in this evolution. Know that it is part of the human experience to continue to evolve and to continue to experience different events and different circumstances. Different conditions in your life that will bring you face to face with your darkest, deepest fears, insecurities and doubts regardless of how successful you’ve been. As you continue to be open and willing to experience that without judgment, that’s how you evolve by giving yourself permission to be there, to experience it and to ask for help.

For your task for this episode, I hope that at some way along this episode because we throw a ton of information at you that one or two things stood out. Resonating with you or making you feel you could use it. If something came, “It’s a good idea. That could help.” I want you to write it down. Make specific goals to improve in those areas whether it’s editing your social circle, whether it’s having a conversation with your partner or changing something in your environment. Hiring a mindset, a business coach or whatever. Pick one or two maybe two tops and start making progress on it. Meaning make your goals, set some timelines and start taking steps so that you can promote your own evolution. You can take the next steps and make things even easier on you.

Even changing one of these things can make your evolution feel so easy, good and fun that it’s worth it. Get to it and if you like this, if you’re getting a lot of value about it, from it, let us know. You can send us emails or go on iTunes, leave us a review. Let us know what you think. Put some stars on it for us and let us know. As you’re getting shifts, let us know about those too. It’s fun for us to see that we are making a positive impact in your life. We love to celebrate you. We’re thinking about where we’re talking about success stories from the audience. We’re going out there and doing the work for themselves, changing their lives and living even more fully as a result of it. Send it over to us.

We will see you all on the next episode.

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I'm Sophie Kessner

First generation Mexican American mama that’s gone from hood to strategic hustle. I’ve spent the last 10+ years inside the personal development space supporting 100’s of coaches in scaling 6 figure businesses online & supported 4 different companies in surpassing the 7 figure mark. Today, I focus on making scaling more sustainable by integrating the lenses of business, systems, automation and CEO Development through an Equity centered and Trauma informed lens.

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