Evin Rose is a love life transformation coach who focuses on an empowered dating approach; helping modern day women create an empowering dating experience that’s fun and fruitful, bringing them one step closer to their ever lasting love. Learn all about the top dating strategies from our love life expert, Evin Rose, on how to move through today’s dating world, especially for the entrepreneurs who are still single and want to learn knew ways to connect with more qualified partners. Plus, get some hot tips on the dating apps in today’s world. 😉
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Interview with Evin Rose, Empowered Dating Expert
We are so excited to have you here. Even more exciting is Dan is out, but instead I have a really special guest, who you are all going to fall in absolute love with. Her name is Evin Rose. She is an incredible love and dating expert. She’s going to be diving in and touching on some of the dating tips and understanding how dating works, especially for those high-achieving women out there. Then talking to you more so about her philosophy of empowered dating. Thank you, Evin, for coming on to the show.
Thanks for having me. I’m so excited to dive in with you.
I know especially from a lot of the content that you’ve been posting on your social platforms because obviously I’m in your circle. You talk a lot around for especially high-achieving women, some of the biggest challenges that we have. I’d love to learn from you to get our readers familiar with you. What got you into wanting to explore being more of an empowerment dating coach?
Initially, it was just my own journey as I think a lot of us coaches can relate to. It was for me personally going through years of feeling frustrated and disempowered. Like I was in the backseat of my own dating life, being dragged along for the ride and crossing my fingers and hoping it would get better. Finally, it was when I got into the coaching world first, as a general life coach before I focused in on this niche. I had all these realizations around how much power we have, how much control we have over our own experiences. Applying all of that to my own love life first was what initially launched me into wanting to share this message and literally spread the love.
Speaking to the women that you work with, what are some of the biggest challenges or the biggest frustrations for the women that come to you seeking support in their love lives?
We’ll touch on the high-achieving women, the business babes and entrepreneurs. One of the biggest challenges I see is that women feel like they’re in control at this point in their lives, of their careers, of their health and fitness and their friendships. They’re checking all this stuff off their list, hustling and feeling super accomplished. Then there’s all of this confusion when it comes to modern dating, when it comes to creating healthy and fulfilling relationships. A lot of that stems from us trying to approach our love lives from that same space and that same masculine energy. That same goal-crushing mindset that has worked so well for us in other areas of our lives, but just doesn’t translate into connecting with people. Having those really fulfilling, exciting and sexy love lives that we all deserve.
I so get this one on a deep level, especially for a lot of the business babes that you were mentioning. We run our own businesses. We have our own companies. We’re so used to saying, “This is the way it’s going to go. I’m going to make it happen.” To not be able to say that in your dating life is a little weird.
It is. It made me think of in our businesses where we have ideas of our timelines too. We’re like, “I want to hit this number by this date,” and learning how to surrender some of that control, especially control over the timing because we have to recognize there’s another person involved in our love lives or probably multiple people at some point. It’s a big shift that a lot of women find either challenging or have no clue what that looks like or how to go about that.
I know for me specifically, and I’m sure for a lot of the other women that I’ve connected with or some of my entrepreneurial friends, we’ll have the conversation of feeling like we don’t have time for all of this. We are so busy running the business and taking care of ourselves. Trying to have friendships and trying to do all the things that it almost is like, “It would be nice to have somebody, but at the same time it feels like it takes so much effort.”
I feel that big time too personally. One of the things I’d say there is it can be helpful to zoom out and imagine. We get so bogged down in our day-to-day or what we’re trying to create this month or this quarter or this year. Zooming out and thinking like, “Where do I want to be in my life as a whole in a couple of years or even farther down the line? Do I see a partner and potentially a family there? If that’s important to me, if I feel that’s a huge part of what’s going to make my life fulfilling, then it’s so worth figuring out how we carve out the time.” Also recognizing to your point, sure, there is effort involved, but there’s also play involved. There’s passion involved. There’s all of this good stuff that we tend to forget can come along with dating.
[bctt tweet=”If you have time to create experiences, you have time to go on dates.” username=””]
Dan and I were talking about this, it’s almost like as entrepreneurs we look at dating like part of a business. We show up with a very specific prerogative. It’s almost like an interview. We’re like, “Who is this person? Are they qualified? Am I interested?” If not, we totally shut off.
I can’t tell you the number of women I get on the phone with who say, “My dates feel like job interviews or it just feels like an extension of my work day.” When that’s the intention or the energy that we’re bringing to the table, we can’t really be surprised when we don’t feel intrigued by someone or someone brings out the best in us because it’s a different part of ourselves that we’re showing up with that’s not serving us.
One of the biggest challenges that myself and a lot of my entrepreneurial friends have is, “Where do you find these high-quality men that you want to date?”
One thing about that is we can find them anywhere. There’s not some huge secret. I wish that you just go to the corner of underground secret society where they all lived. The fact is they’re at the grocery store. They’re at the coffee shop. They’re on the apps. I know some of you may not believe me, but I swear I’ve met them, clients have met them. If people like us are on the apps and our friends, then does it makes sense that there are going to be men or whoever you’re looking for of the same caliber who will say, “We’re also using these platforms?” You could also think about what are the spaces that the kind of people I’m looking to connect with would hang out in? If you’re looking for someone who has a spiritual component, where are those meditation centers or those workshops? Where are those places or that person in the same way that we think about our ideal client? I know that we can’t totally equate dating to business, but there is some overlap. Thinking about like, “Where would that person hang out? Am I creating opportunities for myself to meet and connect with those people?”
Where a lot of us get hung up is, “How do you even date?” This is such an awkward, “Hi. This is me. This is my name. This is what I do. Where do we go from here?”
One thing that helps with that is taking the pressure off of thinking that when you meet someone you have to know how you’re going to date them or what the whole trajectory of that will be? As opposed to just looking at staying present in the moment and looking at this as an isolated meeting, whether that’s a first date, whether that’s connecting with someone at an event or at a party. More thinking of it as getting curious about this person, sharing little bits and pieces of yourself, exploring if there’s a vibe there. Taking the pressure off of needing to make a major assessment or check-out all the boxes or decide if this person can fit into your life or if they’re going to be somebody you’d want to marry or have kids with. We get so far ahead of ourselves. That’s what makes the whole dating thing seems so overwhelming.
It’s one of those things too where it’s learning how to step out of that business-oriented, “Let me plan out the rest of the year. Look at what I’m projecting is going to happen here, and then figure out how I can make that happen versus just letting it flow.”
One huge mindset piece here that’s helpful is that letting it flow doesn’t necessarily mean taking a backseat. It doesn’t mean that we have no control or no power. That’s one thing that these high-achieving women I tend to work with can get hung up on. They think either, “I need to be in full control, have the big picture of where this is going and be the one running the ship or I have to totally sit back and have it be this old-fashioned thing where I wait for him to call. I don’t bother to ask certain questions.” There’s a healthy middle ground where we are more in this explorative mode. Taking it one date at a time and doing our best to reel in our thinking when we catch ourselves future tripping. Also, asking the questions that we want to ask and being a co-creator of this experience with this person. It’s both active without being white knuckling the steering wheel.
I’m curious and I love to learn from you and share with some of our readers here. I’m sure we all had this idea in our heads this perfect mate. What they’re going to look like, how they’re going to be and who they’re going to show up as. It’s interesting because if somebody doesn’t fit exactly that or there may be off-track on one of those things, then we completely say, “No, it’s not an option.” In regard to getting clear on what you want and the partner that you want to date, how do you work with your clients on figuring out the types of things that matter to them?
We go through a few exercises early on that are super helpful to get that clarity. Those look like getting clear on your core values, which are those components or those qualities that drive you and that make you feel like, “This is where I put my energy. These are the things I focus on so that I feel fulfilled. I feel like my life is meaningful. This is what brings joy to me.” Knowing our core values and then making sure that whoever we’re meeting either shares a lot of those or at least that our values are complementary and not in conflict, that’s huge. We look at attachment styles and love languages. We take a couple of these frameworks from the psychology world to help us get clear on what do I need in a partner, not want and we get into wants. Obviously, desire preferences matter. We start with what do I need in order to feel safe, in order to feel secure, at ease, at peace and loved? That’s the foundation. That’s where we want to start. Instead of starting with like, “He’s over six feet. He’s scruffy and long hair.” Those things are lovely if that’s what you’re into, but we want to start thinking about what are the qualities and components that contribute to my long-term happiness?
If we’re going back to the apps in finding these people, it’s hard to decipher values and who somebody is just looking at a picture on Tinder. What kind of tips or advice would you give people who are exploring the dating apps or exploring and meeting people online?
Be intentional about what platforms you’re using. Tinder, for example, would not be my recommendation if you’re looking for quality dating, long-term relationship potential. Not to say that it can’t happen on Tinder. We all have that example of, “These people met on Tinder.” If that’s working for you, keep doing it. Otherwise, I really love using platforms that provide more written responses or context mixed in with pictures. Hinge, for example, is a great one where you see one picture and then you get some written info. There are great prompts on there. You’re getting more of a sense of someone’s personality before you’re scrolling through a million pictures.
I encourage everyone to focus on what other information are you getting from that profile? Is there something that made you laugh? Is there something that made you like, “We have that in common.” That would be a great conversation starting point. The biggest thing is in order to make a decision on who to swipe on, you don’t need to know if that person is an incredible fit for you yet or if you’re going to be compatible or if you share core values. Half those people don’t even end up responding to one another so let’s not put too much weight in that very initial matching process. Let’s move as quickly as possible into having a conversation ideally over the phone or my favorite is, do a quick FaceTime. A little mini-date after messaging a handful of times to see if there’s a vibe. To see if we can pick up on either, “Yes, it’s worth carving out a couple of my precious hours this week to meet this person or I could tell right away this isn’t a fit or this person doesn’t intrigue me.”
Are you saying that you FaceTime before you spend the time getting ready in going on a date?
I sure do. It’s a game-changer. It’s an incredible way to say, “If you tell me that you are too busy to date,” I would ask again, if you’re wanting a partner, where would you find the time to have that person in your life? If you have time to create experiences in that person, you have time to go on dates. You’re already on your phone half the day. There are already plenty of times when we’re on our phones. Can you carve out ten minutes for a FaceTime, little meet and greet with some of these people? It takes the pressure off. It is super quick and then you feel either more excited about making the time for that person or relieved that you figured it out.
This is another big thing that comes up for a lot of the women, “How to be attractive to men?” We’re so busy with our lives that we would love to have somebody, but we also don’t want to feel like we’re being needy.
[bctt tweet=”The underlying root when it comes to dating is us learning how to date ourselves first.” username=””]
It’s interesting because this whole idea of being aloof, super chill and having no needs is attractive. That could attract a very specific type of guy. If you are that person who was at a bar or who started meeting someone, you’re playing those games of like, “I’m going to be unavailable intentionally. I’m not going to speak up for my needs.” The kind of person who’s going to be into that is someone who’s looking for the chase and looking to play the games. If you’re wanting something that feels connected, meaningful and safe, we have to let go of the fear around this word needy. We have needs. We’re human beings. Men have needs too. What’s attractive to men and helps them to like you more and more and eventually love you is letting someone see where we do need them and where we want them. Letting them feel like they have a purpose with us and they’re contributing to our lives. That they can feel successful and their own sense of self-worth comes from that place as well of like, “She asked me to do this for her. She told me why this is important to her and I was able to step up and do that.” That feels good for men.
I remember you doing a video where you interviewed three guys. It was something along the lines of like making the first move and meeting women. I’m seeing somebody attractive but playing the game and waiting was interesting. From what I remember in the video, they were saying that half the time they don’t even know when to come.
I’m going to say 95% of the time. That was an enlightening interview experience. In my research and reading all of that, I had learned these concepts of that there’s a lot of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of what their buddies will think if they get turned down in front of people and all of that for men. Like a lot of women, I was like, “I don’t know if I totally buy that.” I interviewed these three guys who were in their 30s and seemingly confident. All good-looking men who even to me, I would have imagined that they were easily going up to women out and about and starting conversations. All three of them were like, “No. We’re terrified.” They talked about how they need such an obvious green light from women to approach.
Let’s also remember and I’m generalizing here, but for the most part, women tend to be better at picking up on subtle cues as far as reading body language. We are more tuned in emotionally in that way. These guys were validating, “If you make quick eye contact and then look away, we don’t know what that means. You could be looking for your friend or the bartender and just happened to glance. The thought of you doing that and me walking over and starting a conversation makes me want to throw up.” They encouraged us to be holding eye contact and smiling. They were like, “Ideally wave us over or stand next to us or say hi or something. Ask us to hold your jacket while you carry drinks over, initiate please in some way and then we’ll take it from there, but we need to know that you’re interested.”
It’s such an eye-opener because so much of the time it’s like, “I don’t want to make a fool of myself. You should be coming over here.” It’s such a role reversal. A mindset shift in the sense that it’s like, “I have to be proactive and communicate that I’m interested or that I’m curious.”
We can also help ourselves release some of that fear of us putting ourselves out there. Remembering that it is so flattering to someone to whether it’s to approach them or to smile or to say hello. If that person isn’t available, let’s say that person isn’t single or isn’t interested for whatever reason, the worst that’s going to happen is they’re going to say, “Thanks, I’m not,” or not respond. At the end of the day, you’ve given that guy a little boost. You’ve practiced putting yourself out there. We’re going to have to do this continually. I’m not saying the first time you do this necessarily you’re going to meet your soulmate. Let’s all try as much as we can to take that pressure off of I’m doing this to get a certain outcome. If this doesn’t lead to a date, it was a failure or all of that place our mind goes, that isn’t helpful in having a good time with this stuff.
At least my understanding of it and I’d love to get your perspective, the underlying root when it comes to dating is us learning how to date ourselves first. Learning how to love ourselves and feel confident in who we are regardless of whether or not we’re in a relationship and that reflecting it in our dating lives.
When you were asking what is so attractive to men, especially around this idea of needs or neediness. That foundation of self-love, of self-acceptance, that we need to be affirming ourselves, taking care of ourselves. Knowing that we’re good whether or not there’s someone in our lives at any given moment. When that’s the foundation and then we’re voicing our needs on top of that, then it’s not that needy desperate thing. What turns people off is when we express our needs in a way that’s like, “I need you to do these things so that I feel okay. I feel okay about myself and if you don’t, I’m going to spiral.” That’s what is a turnoff to people because no one wants or should have the responsibility of making someone else feel happier, feel okay or feel competent or feel safe. We have to first do that for ourselves.
To me, that’s part of what’s so empowering about this approach is who’s the only person we have control over ourselves. If we can start putting into practice and it is a practice. They’re actionable ways that we love on ourselves and all of that. It’s not just this big mystery thing of self-love can feel overwhelming for a lot of people. What does that even mean? Do you have it or not? The more that we can take responsibility for like, “I’m learning how to do that. I’m putting it into practice every day,” the more that we set ourselves up to create beautiful love lives with ourselves, with our dates and our eventual romantic partners.
That’s an affirmation to all the other women that are out there. It’s important to remember that self-love doesn’t mean you look like a ten or like a Victoria’s Secret supermodel, but it’s regardless of what your physical appearance, that you love yourself and who you are as a human. That’s my interpretation of it, of you being attractive regardless of how small you are, how tiny you are, how fit you are.
One of the questions I asked the guys in that same interview was around what’s attractive to them, who are they most likely to approach at a bar? They all agreed with me that it is not the most “attractive” physically appearance-wise woman. One thing they said that I loved was all three of them when they go out together are interested in different people. They all find different women attractive, but also a good reminder that not everyone’s going for the same type. They also said the most attractive thing to them was when a woman seems warm, open, receptive, approachable and open to connecting.
A lot of that comes from that place of like, “If I can feel comfortable in my own skin regardless of what my weight is this month,” because we’re always changing. We have to try to detach from those external factors as much as we can. If we’re out and about and we are giving ourselves that love, feeling comfortable with wherever we are in the moment, giving ourselves that affirmation that we are accepting ourselves with all of our imperfections, all of our flaws. All of our stuff because we’ve all got it and intentionally opening up and even body language, that is what’s so magnetizing.
I love what you brought up here too and the sense of it that it’s like the chicken or the egg. We want to be more attractive to men, but in order to be more attractive to men, we must first love ourselves to be more receiving of it. It’s like when we go out, when we’re trying to date or we’re trying to find somebody who’s going to make us feel better about ourselves, we’re coming from this place of doubting ourselves or feeling insecure or questioning how we are. We’re more closed off. That’s less attractive and spiral.
[bctt tweet=”In order to be more attractive, we must first love ourselves to be more receiving of it.” username=””]
We interpret everything that’s happening to us through that lens. You go out from that place, let’s say no one’s approaching you or you approach one guy who happens to be for whatever reason, not interested or not available. You go home and you’re like, “I knew that no one likes me because of all of these reasons.” We keep confirming our own untrue fears or our own limiting beliefs about ourselves. It’s that cycle. We go to brunch the next day with our girlfriends and we’re all complaining about how awful the dating was. Putting more and more energy to all of that negative stuff and all of our fears are growing. We’re like, “How do I get out of this place?”
It’s been an absolute joy having you on here. We had so many gold nuggets from reprogramming or rewiring the way that we think about dating in general. I’d love to ask you, any last bits of information or any big tips that you’d love to give to the babes or even to the men, wanting to know how to create a more empowering dating experience for themselves?
One thing is to spend a little time getting clear on what it is that you want and need, creating a vision for yourself and not a physical aesthetic vision. More of a vision of how you want to feel with someone. As much as you can, bringing your mind, bringing your heart, bringing your actions into alignment with that, with what it is you want. As much as you can working on releasing the negativity, that place our mind goes where we think so often about what we don’t want. All those experiences that we don’t want to be having, why the apps are a mess and all of the horror stories we hear about dating. We have to, as much as we can, tune that out and remember that you create your own experience.
There are people who are meeting, connecting and starting beautiful relationships every single day. There are quality people out there, men, women looking for all kinds of people, looking for someone like you and it’s in your power to open up to that. Starting with the internal work, the self-love, the mindset, heart set, but then also taking actionable steps like carving out that time using online, offline opportunities to connect with people. Making sure that you’re as committed to this area of your life that is meaningful as you are to the business, as you are to your fitness, as you are to your family and friends. It matters and it’s worth it.
For the women and the men who want to find you, how can they learn more about you? Where can they find you? Where can they stalk? How can they date you?
On Instagram, I’m @EvinRose. Facebook, this is just for my girls specifically. I’ve got a Facebook community, Empowered Dating with Evin Rose, where I’m posting tons of daily insight and inspiration and video, live trainings and interviews with men, you can find that in there. I would love for you to join. Feel free, anyone who feels like you’re needing some guidance and support, DM me and reach out to me.
Thank you so much. The advice, the insights, everything is so incredible. It’s so great to hear it even though I’ve heard it so many times.
We need the reminders as many times as we need them until it starts to shift something.
Thank you so much for coming on. Make sure to check out Evin on Instagram and Facebook. If you are a boss babe, check out her community. It is for women specifically. For the men, you can find her on Facebook too. I believe she’s still single. Thank you so much for tuning in. We will see you in the next episode.
About Evin Rose
After a breakup in her mid-20s with the guy she thought was “The One,” Evin experienced the hot mess that is modern dating for so many millennial women today. Finally fed up with feeling disempowered and disconnected from love, Evin went on her own journey of powerful self-work and self-discovery, shifting her mindset and heart set with the tools she was using in other areas of life as a Certified Life Coach. She then dove into researching and applying (with herself as the guinea pig!) all of the psychology and strategy behind dating, relationships, and love, and she was blown away by the 180 transformations in her love life.
Inspired to literally share the love, Evin transitioned her Life Coaching practice into specifically empowering and supporting women to transform their dating and love lives. After years of 1:1 coaching and helping clients create their own heart-filling love stories, Evin realized that the path to Love is truly universal and that we can grow and progress so much more quickly when we have the support of other women in the boat with us.
She’s now obsessed with leading intimate groups of women through Love Life Transformation, living out her dreams of being a coach, teacher, den mom, and cheerleader all in one!
Get more information about Evin Rose and her transformational dating coaching at www.LLTprogram.com.
Follow Evin on Instagram @evinrose
Join her Facebook community by searching for Empowered Dating With Evin Rose
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