Pregnancy, Surrender, Death & Rebirth

Surrender is a wild experience– when you let it take you.

It’s similar to the experience of opening yourself to a lover as he passionately penetrates you, one hand around your throat with his other hand, holding down yours.

Slowly… Thrusting deeper into you.

As you expand.

Softening.

Receiving.

Feeling your body open wider to more deeply receive ALL of him.

A moment of pure ecstacy

The rush in feeling like you just can’t breathe

Knowing in your core, this is a man who can read & see all of who you are

There is no hiding

And as you’re pushed closer to your edge, feeling yourself dance between unconsciousness & consciousness

he releases his grip

The pain turns to pleasure as all the blood rushes back into your body

Wild.

Free.

Feeling the way you so madly turn him on

With every movement, every breath, every moan.

You know in every bone in your body, that YOU are in fact the one in control

Of your pain as you transcend it into pleasure,

Deepening into surrender.

Can we trust then, that god, universe, source, can also be our passionate lover?

That in our moments of being pushed to our edge, wanting to fight, resist, and push away

THAT is when we must lean in deeper to trust…

…to surrender.

Softening into our power…

Perhaps we should rewind a bit…

If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know my legacy.

2019, was a funny year for me.

Full of some of my highest highs, and lowest lows.

From experiencing exponential bliss to deathening depression, grief and sadness.

I reflected to a friend more recently that to have experienced the shifts, pivots, upheavels, and redirections that I’ve experienced in this last year alone looked something like this…

12 months ago, I was crushing $40k months back to back.

On top of the world, leading the way, when it came to all things business and marketing.

I was the Queen of my castle, ruling based on what I’d been taught by previous hierarchies. Lavishing in all the perceived glory that wealth and money brought.

All while attempting to manage the emotional turmoil that such a busy way of doing business and fast paced growth caused…

Surely, I should have known there was so much growth yet to come…

I felt change coming deep in my soul for months but was in constant denial…

I can recall as early as March and April confiding in close peers my discontent with the business, marketing, model, and positioning i had built.

As I’d go on retreat in the mountains of Southern California, I’d find myself relieved to just have the space to step back from it all.

That my soul was screaming for so much more but somehow I just couldn’t find the safety to let go and fully explore this new unknown world I was being called to…

From the outside, it seemed as though I was thriving, but internally I felt so stuck, chained to the walls of the castle that had now become my own prison.

How could I possibly step away from this?

It was a business generating well over 6 figures a year.

It’s what I know so many of us DREAM for.

So I leaned into splitting the load and building a collab brand with a close friend naively believing by having support with the marketing, client delivery, and other logistical pieces–

it would ease the frustration and tension that was etched in my soul from the misalignment that was brewing.

Through massive efforts, loads of late nights and plenty of bulletproof coffee we had built what was on track to be another 6 figure brand in less than 3 months.

By Summer I had essentially created two companies, two brands, two programs equally on their way to that seductive 6 figure mark…

But the uncertainty, unfulfillment, frustration, boredom, and misalignment I felt in my heart had only grown more and more.

So in June, I ventured to Ireland, answering the call of the divine feminine, hoping to find answers that would help to ease this growing discontentment in business…

The answers of silence and stillness rang loud and clear, so I slowly started leaning back in business–

Finding solace in my personal life, opening my heart to the newness of love after spending the last year healing from one of my greatest heartaches.

It was terrifying, exhilarating, liberating and everything in between as I felt myself being opened to god through the love of this man…Through the love for myself…

SURRENDER

August 2019 was a pivotal turning point in my life:

After a year of living on my own in my vision board beach home, I decided not to renew my lease and was on the hunt for a new space. I asked my mom if I could stay in one of the spare rooms in the interim of finding my next home.

She openly agreed and I moved all my stuff in.

A week later while having dinner with her and my brother, she shared with us that she was had just gotten engaged and planned to retire from her business of 25 years at the end of the month–

Planning to move in with her now fiance, she offered I could stay at the house until I found a new space to give me some time but nothing was feeling quite resonant…

A few days later… Rod, the man I’d been hopelessly falling in love with the last 3 months, gets back from a visit to Seattle with an unsettled look on his face.

He shares his bittersweet news about a grand promotion with his company and the tension in knowing he’d have to relocate to Seattle in just a few weeks.

He asked me if I wanted to keep exploring this relationship and if I’d be open to the possibility of potentially relocating with him.

With nothing to lose and nowhere to go, I said yes and by mid September we had moved everything I owned, including my pup Clyde, into our new home in Seattle.

I spent the first week in Seattle, crying my heart out. Wondering what I had just done. Living in this luxury apartment in the middle of downtown– constantly surrounded by the busy-ness of life all around me.

My heart felt broken by betrayal, knowing this was NOT where my soul wanted to be, it was the furthest thing from it…

And yet, Rod stood there, holding me, loving me through it.

By the second week after moving my entire life to the furthest North part of the country following the man my heart had been calling in, my emotions were finally starting to settle–

Only to be met by a different level of discomfort.

I became insanely sick, tired, fatigued and utterly miserable.

I was convinced I had the flu, a stomach bug, some virus that just wouldn’t go away.

I couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. Had excruciating pains in my belly. And constantly felt like I needed to purge but couldn’t get anything to come out.

After a week of sulking in my pain and discomfort to no avail, I finally decided to seek medical support and went into the emergency room on a rainy Friday eve…

I called Rod to let him know I was on my way to the ER– he met me there as quickly as he could then, we sat for hours in the waiting room.

We spoke with doctors, had multiple tests and labs done, and finally, after getting a urine sample, the doctor asked to speak to me alone.

She sits me down in a private room and shares the news.

“Your lab results came back positive for a pregnancy test”

You can’t even begin to imagine the massive amount of denial, hysteria, and disbelief I was in.

She shared because of my immense pain and symptoms, they needed to do an ultrasound to be sure it wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy and asked if I wanted to let Rod know.

I said yes, and she brought him in.

Unable to keep a straight face, I shared the news…

this man I had only known the last 4 months of my entire life… this man I moved my entire life across the country for… this man that was now going to be the father of my child.

We both sat in shock, disbelief, concern, and worry.

As we went from room to room, waiting eagerly to find the results of the ultrasound… our initial shock started to settle and we began discussing possibilities.

At 3am in the emergency room, they confirmed from the ultrasound that the pregnancy was normal, we were roughly 6 weeks along, and let us know it would be 100% safe to carry on full term.

We now faced the decision of whether or not to keep this baby.

We went home, relieved that everything was okay yet completely shaken by the enormous decision in front of us.

At this point I should disclose that nowhere in my plans did I see the possibility of having children. It’s not something I saw for myself, especially with what I craved in business.

So much of me had resistance to even considering the complications, barriers, and tension that having a baby could bring.

Yet there we were. Pregnant.

In full disclosure, this wasn’t the first time I had been faced with this decision… A decade before I was here, and I knew what lay behind the alternative option when it came to abortion.

I can very vividly remember being 14, taking a few pills, having and bleeding for weeks, depressed for months on end. Returning to school the next week, pretending like nothing had ever happened.

I remember the pain. The guilt. The shame. The resentment. The hate. The misery.

And shared all of what was coming up for me.

It didn’t take much longer for both of us to find ourselves surrendering to what was and saying yes to this wild gift source had placed with us.

I decided that this time, as much as i didn’t feel ready, as much as it all sounded so crazy, I would choose this baby.

So we kept him.

The following months were the darkest I’d EVER experienced…

This pregnancy was causing me to question EVERYTHING I believed about myself, my life, my business.

It was not easy.

I had never in my life so badly wanted to escape my body.

For months I felt sick, in pain, depressed, unable to eat, constantly wanting to sleep, unsure if I would ever recover.

It felt like I had somehow fallen off my pedestal, lost my crown, and began living in the darkness wondering who and what I was…

Admittingly, there were plenty of dark moments when I had questioned whether or not I made the right decision.

I felt myself literally falling to pieces, hardly able to manage my own emotional state, let alone two businesses.

DEATH

By October, my castle, my queendom, my business was burning down– similar to what Khalessi brought in the final episodes of game of thrones.

Flames. Smoke. Ashes.

There was no point in resisting or fighting the inevitable falling of this once powerful throne.

I had no strength left in me, physically, mentally, or emotionally, to even pretend that I could keep it going.

So I let it crumble as I too, went into a dark cocoon shedding all the old parts of me that no longer felt congruent with who I was becoming…

The complete unknown.

I managed what I could with my remaining clients, slowly weaning off any last obligations so I could fully ruminate in my chaos.

This was the death of everything I had ever known, everything I had ever been, and everything I had ever believed.

I had no choice but to surrender and let life take me deeper into my darkness

Where I faced so much fear, shame, guilt, frustration, resistance.

So many shadows I never knew existed.

Constantly in the process of purging, releasing, shedding…

Until it felt like there was literally nothing left but an empty shell of who I used to be.

I had to surrender to the death of “me”

Stripped of everything I had known…

I made a deal with source, to fully let go and lean into whatever universe had in store for me.

I promised, for the love of all things holy, that I would stop resisting, that I would listen, if it would just spare me the misery.

So I got to work…

Day and night, crawling on hands and knees to my meditation cushion…

Moving through the pain and tears to lean in and listen.

Nearly disappearing from my once so powerful online presence.

In the darkness of my own solitude, I began breathing through the resistance.

Crying. Screaming. Releasing.

Again. And again. And Again…

Moving to find pleasure in my pain

To somehow bring myself back into my body…

Relearning how to love my existence

How to trust in the divinity of what is

Reconnecting to my rawest essence…

This experience was so deep, so intense, and it just kept on going.

Layer after layer, week after week, meeting the darkest parts of myself– learning how to bring peace to the inner war going on inside of me.

REBIRTH

Finally, after months of darkness, I started to feel the light in my heart reignite.

Through all the pain, I continued transcending it into pleasure– meeting my darkness with love, holding her, caressing her, giving her permission to be all that she was.

I fully surrendered the woman I was and made space for what source had planted in me to be.

Moving through the process of integrating all this newness with the oldness of me.

I felt shattered and fragile but had hope in what was coming through as we finally made big decisions jumping into another cross country move.

On December 31st, 2019 (new years eve) we found ourselves loading up a uhaul trailer with everything we owned, puppy included, and got on the road back to San Diego.

We drove for 15 hours, stopping to rest for a few nights at Rod’s parents home deep in the mountains of northern California.

My soul could finally breathe and feel the spaciousness of what was coming…

It was the first time since finding out about the pregnancy that I felt like I could actually BE fully in my body.

But the person I was, the body I was in, it was not one I recognized anymore…

It was as if I had found myself being reborn into new skin.

Feeling for the first time, the power, the strength of two souls in one body.

As we continued to make our way down the coastline, I could feel myself coming more and more alive, after 30 hours of driving– we arrived.

We settled into our new home that weekend.

The following Monday, Rod flew back to Seattle where he would stay for the next two months wrapping up his final commitments before he’d be able to transfer and officially move down with me.

Leaving me in solitude with my pup, myself, and plenty of space to just BE–

I’ve spent the last month grounding, reconnecting, experiencing this newness of ME.

This wild woman, the mother, the muse, the goddess, the empress, the slut, the maiden, the queen–

All integrating.

Rising from within me.

Reminding me of my power, my strength, my softness, my virtues– my sovereign truth.

Speaking to me daily, that it is time…

A time of reclamation.

Restoration.

Realignment.

Recreation.

Time to rise from the ashes of who I once was and be reborn as the woman I was always meant to be.

It’s time to lead a new legacy.

One fully aligned with my highest excitement– Guided by the divine wisdom within me.

Rebuilding my queendom.

As I continue deepening into my sovereign truth, as the woman who leads herself, I soften into power– into possibility.

The portal has opened.

I am liberated, not broken.

I am free.

And I can feel all of life, rising to meet me– as this more embodied sovereign being.

I am ready to answer the call.

In this moment, I know so many of my sisters are still sitting in the darkness with their own empty cocoon.

Wondering what’s next, when life will finally shift or adjust.

And to her I say, deep breaths.

It’s going to be okay.

If there’s anything I’ve learned in this last year of rebirth, it’s that we must be willing to surrender all that’s good to make space for what’s phenomenal.

Especially when it comes to business.

I spent so much of my time with my identity, my worth, my sense of self engulfed in the business I created that I didn’t allow myself the space to truly tune into what was ACTUALLY in alignment for me.

We evolve and change so quickly.

Old paradigms would have us believing that we must continue to ride the wave of who we were EVEN IF it no longer feels congruent– because THAT is the only perceived way to build a legitimate business.

I protest.

Our misalignment and discontent LIMIT our abundance and success.

When we are not overflowing in joy and grace, we resist and experience so much more stress.

In my darkest days and darkest hours, I had to continue reminding myself of the possibilities that lay beyond where I have been–

To know and wholeheartedly believe that if this is my ability to succeed in what truly is no longer for me, imagine what massive exponential growth I’ll experience when I realign myself with what truly excites me.

Letting go can feel terrifying AND– so liberating.

This is the art of surrender

Making space for what’s to come by purging what’s no longer congruent with who you be.

I see you.

I hear you,

Whispering your dreams and wondering when you’ll be met with more limitless possibilities

I feel you,

Craving to expand.

Mesmerized by what others have done.

WANTING to believe so badly that you too, can experience what your other sisters our lavishing in.

Recognizing the self doubt, sabotage, uncertainty, fear, and insecurity–

I’ve felt it all too.

And to you my heart says, TRUST.

You are so much more than what you have know yourself as in the past.

Surrender and let life take you on the journey

Let it BREATHE you into life

Let it PLEASURE you into abundance

YOU ARE WHAT YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.

My goddess, please see the queen, the lioness, the empress that stares back at you from within that mirror.

YOU ARE HER. SHE LIVES IN YOU.

Patiently waiting for you to create the space for her to rise.

You are ready.

It’s time, my love.

Rise.

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