What does it mean to maintain your expert
positioning while being vulnerable and real?
Everyone seems to have their own opinion on what this means and what it looks like.
I’m SO over it lately.
This constant talk of showing up “in your power” and the pressure to be “authentic” but not let the world see your complete shit show that’s happening behind the camera, doesn’t feel real to me.
The stress of trying to play it cool, like we always have it all together.
When Ironically, we’re all struggling in silence.
How are we going to show up on camera + pretend like we’re not feeling or moving through this ish that’s coming up right now for me + you?
Only posting on FB + IG when we’ve finally found our footing again.
Pretending like we weren’t just going through it a day before.
Here’s a fun truth fam…
I have been feeling sooooo shook recently.
(Blame it on mercury retrograde)
There’s a huge transition happening internally AND externally for me right now.
Let me break it down for you…
For starters, as I’m writing this I’m in the middle of launching a new program/brand, managing 3 other mentorship programs and moving house again.
As I’m getting ready to move and say goodbye to this physical space…
A lot has been surfacing.
Especially when it comes to who I am choosing to be + what I want to actually do in this world.
The last year here has completely transformed me.
Internally, as I’m prepping to say goodbye to this home, I also feel like I’m saying goodbye and grieving this old part of me.
Like This move is symbolic of me moving out of my old self and stepping fully into this new part of me.
Shedding my old skin.
Here’s some backstory to give you some context into how much has shifted since moving here last year…
This time last year I was in the midst of month 9 for my bikini comp training, cutting hard at about <12% body fat, at the peak of my anxiety and panic attacks.
I was crushing consistent $30k months in revenue, working with well over 40 + clients at a time…
(That’s 40 plus businesses + entrepreneurs I was supporting in building AT ONE TIME)
I was traveling all over the states to places like Hawaii, Florida, + even managed a trip to Cancun + Costa rica.
I attended literally every music festival under the sun + was pretty attached to being high on LSD or ecstasy— it was “regular” thing for me.
There was no “off” switch.
I was constantly “on” being so busy that I had no time to feel or process all the emotional trauma that was coming up.
Go go go.
Get shit done.
Head down, build the empire, hustle, + show the fuck up.
The busy-ness, achievement, + success became a crutch for avoiding what was actually going on inside of me.
As if I wasn’t internally grieving the end of a 3 year relationship with the person I had thought was my soul mate.
As if I wasn’t trying to recover every ounce of my own sense of self worth that I felt had been shattered.
Ironic, isn’t it?
How we can look like we have all our shit together to the outside world yet as soon as I would hit end on zoom calls after delivering the most powerful transformation to clients…
I’d be breaking down in uncontrollable tears of sorrow, praying that I could be at the part of
My healing where it wouldn’t hurt anymore.
This was August 2018.
It took me until February of this year to finally arrive in a space where I felt completely safe + in my own wholeness again.
I’ve basically been sober since October aside from a few experiences with psilocybin.
I’ve had no real desire to “get high” like I used to + have taken a massive step back from any type of synthetic drugs.
I attended a Dr. Joe Dispenza advanced retreat, had a bit of a spiritual awakening + found meditation + breath work to be my new favorite natural drug.
I went on this massive healing journey with my body + finally arrived in a space of loving where I’m at regardless of my weight or size
I’ve Finally been able to train + eat more intuitively because it just feels good inside versus forcing myself to achieve a certain external aesthetic look without any consideration for my internal health.
(To be transparent, this didn’t fully click until probably June or July of this year)
I’ve successfully launched 2 new brands + businesses since the start of this year + have worked with over 40 women in growing their businesses in just the last 8 months alone.
(that’s 40 businesses spread over 8 months instead of all at once.)
Yet here I am…
Having achieved “all the things” wondering what the heck is next?
It’s like I’ve accomplished everything I ever dreamed up on my bucket list and I’m sitting here staring down the abyss of an empty bucket.
And I’m finding myself in this space of complete unknown
Not knowing what I want or who I want to be
it’s liberating and terrifying all at the same time.
It’s a season of massive recalibration for me.
The “shedding” of old skin
There’s no speeding things up here. I’ve learned most recently that I have to just surrender + let source naturally run its course with me.
And the scariest part in all of this is this program that’s running in the back of my mind with the story that I have to maintain this “expert positioning” and “authority” throughout this entire process.
Juggling trying to Find the balance with rawness + vulnerability
But here’s what I’ve come to find over the past f few months and weeks…
These “rules” I’ve created around what it means to be “in authority”
The stories I’ve been told about “maintaining expert positioning”
Aren’t resonating anymore.
So here’s some of my raw expression in this present moment…
I’ve been dating the most amazing man for the last few months + can’t help but feel all the feelings when I’m around him. He’s been more of a man to me in the last 3 months than any relationship I’ve ever experienced.
- He’s ALWAYS opening my car door for me even if we’re just leaving the gym. (chivalry isn’t dead ladies.)
- He’s randomly shown up at my door unexpectedly with flowers, chocolate, and cards + left me with all the butterflies
- He’s come over just to hear me rant + vent about how stressed I am and knows how to just be present + listen
- He’s always wanting to pay for anything we do + is constantly reflecting how grateful he is to share experiences with me.
- He makes the effort to come over + see me almost every day, even if it’s just for an hour.
- He’s constantly affirming me while also being interdependent and chasing his dreams.
You’d think I’d be complete head over heels but let me just say…
WOW do I have some triggers to heal.
There’s been so many moments where I’ve caught myself running self sabotaging programs + questioning the authenticity of this entire container.
I’ve had to really surrender into ALLOWING myself to receive this kind of love + support.
Not because I don’t feel worthy, simply because it’s soooo unfamiliar.
I had to move through this whole phase of embracing the emotional stability that he brings because for YEARS my nervous system has been conditioned to love the emotional turmoil that comes with chaos + uncertainty.
And more recently, it’s been the reconditioning of feeling threatened for my own independence + relearning how to be fully seen even through the fear of the possibility of abandonment + rejection.
Like my heart is healing the PTSD from being so crushed after the last relationship that It’s slowly tiptoeing into opening fully to be held again by someone who has the ability to completely break me + being willing to lean into that love anyways.
Gaaaahhhhhddd does it feel sooooo good.
And terrifying all at the same time.
We’ve started to have conversations about traveling, even going nomadic for months at a time which has me questioning my entire timeline.
I literally have no idea what I want to do next in my business or what life goals I want to set.
My lease is up + i’ve decided not to renew it.
I’ve contemplated getting roommates, living on my own + getting a new place somewhere different, heck I even considered selling everything I own + going nomadic.
But nothing has really stuck or felt fully resonant yet.
So I made the decision a few weeks ago to move back into my moms house until I figure out what feels good for next steps in both my life + business.
I’ve had to release so much shame around this + the stories/meanings I was attaching to all of it.
And fuck did my ego really take a hit.
Questioning what the perception of being an entrepreneur with a multi 6 figure business moving back in with mom would look like to the rest of the world.
Until i realized that this is MY journey + this gets to be a season of my life.
It’s temporary + coming from a space of me just wanting to ground without feeling rushed to make a decision that I don’t feel ready to make quite yet.
Then I got to thinking about how fucking grateful I am to have my mom in my life + know that she’s here to hold that space for me.
I’m sooooo freaking lucky.
It’s been so humbling to really soften into this reality + let myself admit it to my audience.
It was SO feeling good…
Until my mom decided to surprise me last week with the news that she’s engaged + planning to get married
that she’s closing down her business of 25 years and moving out of the house to finally do her own thing with her now, fiance.
Ecstatic and grateful are the top two emotions that come to mind.
This deep undertone of WTF is happening to the world I used to know?
Now don’t get me wrong, I could not be more happy and proud of my mom.
She’s spent her entire life being there for me + my brother since she was 18 and for the first time in her life, she’s starting to chase her own dreams.
And yet, There was definitely a deep spiral of anxiety with all the changes that this news brought me.
Simply because it’s such a massive shift in my entire known reality.
So much of what has been my entire life is now changing.
And it’s really poked a hole in the illusion of permanency.
That’s a fucking phenomenal concept and it’s also requiring a massive up leveling in my own state of consciousness + being.
It almost felt like the illusion of this safety net had been cut + now I’ve had to completely recalibrate my entire plan
Living wise, I’m moving into my moms now old house, she’s moving out + I’ll be living alone again until I figure out what the heck I want to do next.
Bless up universe, I see you.
So here’s what’s been going on inside my head over the past few weeks:
I’ve been sitting here comparing myself to my peers + friends wondering why tf I’m not further ahead like i think i should be in my business.
Questioning my own capabilities to show up + deliver, wondering what I’m even doing all of this for anymore if I’m not where they are.
It took everything in me to send a message asking my girls for support inside a group text + to be willing to admit that I needed help in that moment.
That fear of judgement, rejection, them no longer seeing me as a peer + disowning me as a friend– it was all present.
I legit broke down in tears at a girlfriends house last week when I was asked if everything was okay because I felt “heavy” energetically.
I cried + got real vulnerable, expressing all the overwhelm, stress, + fears that had been present especially with the move, business, + rediscovering my own life direction.
I’m in a season of massive transition and my nervous system has just been feeling so overwhelmed with all the changes I’ve literally had no clue how to manage it.
So I’ve just been surrendering + giving myself as much space as possible to feel all of it.
Ironically, creating space for healing + growth takes away from my desire to show up every damn day to market.
I’ve been dancing with my ego trying to find the harmony in achieving while also honoring the healing that’s happening with my soul.
It’s been a massive learning to let go of control + trust the universe’s timeline of success.
But of course, I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t have my own moments of absolute freak out + stress.
This included a total nervous breakdown on the couch last week + working through the feelings of embarrassment + shame when allowing myself to receive support by having this new man in my life see me + hold me in my mess.
As I expressed my fears of abandonment, he lovingly reaffirmed that he wants to be there to support me, that it’s okay if I don’t have it all figured out.
Can someone bless this man please? Gaaaaahhh.
(Ironically I still spent the next 2 days after that feeling terrified that he’d disappear + not want to be around anymore)
Everything in me wanted to run + hide.
To not let anyone see what I was feeling inside + pretend like I was totally fine.
But that clearly wasn’t working.
My girl, Rachel said something to me that really stood out when I was sitting at her house having my emotional breakdown…
She said something along the lines of…
“maybe it’s time to start challenging the belief that you being fully vulnerable, receiving + asking for support, not having it all figured out, and being seen doesn’t actually mean everyone’s going to leave. Let me prove that belief wrong.”
So here i am again…
Surrendering to what is + softening into my own success.
I literally have no fucking clue what’s going to come next.
I’ve arrived in a season of my life where I only want to do what feels congruent + brings me pleasure, regardless of the profit.
And perhaps there’s some comfort in that…
Because I know when I have that clarity + congruency
Life manifests faster than I can begin to express, but for now…
My body, my heart, my soul…
It’s craving stillness.
I don’t feel the desire to “hustle”
I’m in a season of introspection + slowing down.
The old desires of wanting to build million dollar empires as quickly as possible aren’t quite what they were before.
I’ve fucking mastered that shit.
Give me a business + I’ll show you how to scale it in a matter of minutes.
That’s beyond the point of all this.
The “dream” of constantly being on the go, busy with all the superficial interactions + events just doesn’t hit home anymore
I’ve crushed my own $60k months, worked + mentored inside multiple million dollar companies/brands, have had clients from every continent except Antarctica, supported them in growing multi 6 + 7 figure businesses, attended every festival I wanted, and have had the opportunity to experience everything I put on my bucket list so far…
And here I am…
At 24 getting ready to close the door on this chapter of my life….
With an empty bucket list, no specific goals or desires except for stillness…
To just be in peace.
With myself + my life
Able to connect with me + the people in my life more deeply
To express myself FULLY in all my rawness without the program of judgement kicking in.
To BE in a state of not knowing without the program of scarcity running
To be in full surrender and trusting source with my timeline of success.
So here’s what I do know, fam…
I’m a messy fucking human with a whooollleee lotttaa emotions.
Pleasure is my number 1 priority– I choose to do what feels good for me.
I know how to make an ish ton of money.
And I REFUSE to settle for a life or business model that requires me to sacrifice my own spaciousness or peace of mind just to hit a profit or numbers a little bit faster.
I AM DONE WITH THE HUSTLE MENTALITY (at least for now.)
I only want to work with people I feel deeply connected to who fully understand the depth of the work I’m here to do.
And that work is continuing to evolve as I do.
I want to give back to the world in much bigger ways…
So I’m partnering my mentorship programs with an orphanage in Uganda where I’m donating a portion of every client’s investment that I work with to sponsor two kids for an entire year.
Because THAT, feels soooo fucking magical.
I’m done playing small + only playing for me.
I’m here to serve the world in such a bigger way + I’m DONE playing this fucking game of competition in entrepreneurship.
We’re ALL on the same team, fam.
I’m not here to compete with you.
I’m here to raise you up, sista friend.
To be the light when you need it + completely shift the collective consciousness.
To bring pleasure back into entrepreneurship + business.
So here I am, being extra real + raw with you in all my messy-ness and truth.
Sharing ALL the behind the scenes of what may seem “not appropriate”, “embarrassing”, or potentially “risky” to my expert positioning simply because…
It’s my fucking truth.
I don’t want to pretend or put on a face.
We’re all just humans + I want you to see me in all my humanness.
So this is that.
And if any of this resonates for you, dope.
These are my philosophies + beliefs in life currently– If you’re vibin, join the tribe.
I’m always open to supporting soul sista’s who feel fully aligned.
If not, that’s cool too. I hope you’ve enjoyed this story of my life.
This is me.
Love it or hate it, It doesn’t really matter.
I’m gonna continue to show up + be who I want to be + serve the world in the way that feels most congruent for me.
And most importantly….
I’m going to be LIVING MY FREAKING LIFE in the most pleasurable way possible.
Being an absolute pleasure princess when it comes to my business because THAT is what resonates for me today.
My ego’s no longer attached to competing for “vanity metrics + positioning”
I don’t need the “online fame” to validate my success + sense of self worth anymore.
That doors closing.
I’m living for fulfillment, fun, expansion, compassion, freedom, connection, love, spaciousness, joy, pleasure, contribution, and community.
This is the me I’m choosing to be.
So what’s that mean for you?
For starters, I hope you enjoy my personal life because you’re gonna be hearing about + seeing a whole lot more of it.
My personal brand is evolving big time as I’m really leaning into this embodiment of being a total business pleasure princess.
My core focus has really shifted into solely wanting to support in content, branding, and embodiment– hence the epic partnership I have with my biz bestie Mel.
(Can someone give that Queen a freaking award? She’s been my therapist through ALL of this over the last 8 months.)
I’m becoming more + more selective with the type of people I choose to support in business + marketing simply because…
- I don’t need yo money
- I don’t need yo stress 😛
So we’re either gonna be biz bff’s or this isn’t gonna work.
I have to REALLY love you if i’m going to pouring the massive amount of time + energy required for me to support you in scaling the ish out of your biz.
And you can be damn sure, we’ll do it right the FIRST TIME.
That being said…
I honestly do not know when or where I’ll be pivoting to next.
But I can guarantee there will definitely be plenty more pivots, shifts, + evolutionary leaps to come over the next few months + years.
And if you’re vibin with me now, I’d encourage you to reach out to me, babe + let me know where you’re at in your own life + biz.
If you feel connected to my beliefs, philosophies, + ways of doing business/marketing– EXPRESS THAT GIRLFRAANNDDD
It legit means the world to me.
And if you wanna experience what it’s like to work with me, just click here to check out all the deets on SBE this will be my last mentorship container for 2019.
I fucking love you queens.
THANK YOU FOR FOLLOWING ME ON THIS JOURNEY.
Seriously, thank you for being the eyes + ears to see my in my mess AND all my glory.
I love you.
Even if you’re just trolling– I see you boo, love you too 😉
Here’s to shameless self expression + being in a season of transition, complete unknown, surrender, + self exploration.